Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

I was in my car on my way home from my morning trip to the pipe-and-tobacco store on the corner, and I was stopped at a red light. The light changed---twice, I think---from red to green and back to red as I sat there puffing and thinking to myself, "Is life only a misty stream of honking and yelling?" It certainly seemed that way.

-Old Gargoyle

Bagman

At work I always make sure to carry a paper bag in each hand when I walk down the halls of my office building. It doesn't matter that the bags are empty, as long as they look full. That way, if anybody in the hall says to me, "Hey, buddy, can you give me a hand with these boxes?" I can say, "Sorry, got these bags."

-Old Gargoyle

Be Ye Like Little Children

Mimes and clowns I can do without. I think their careers should immediately be terminated. When I encounter a mime at a festival or whatever, he always starts making fun of me. Well, after all, I am old and ugly. But when I protest what he's doing and ask him to stop it, he simply intensifies his silent satire of me. That's when I remove my wallet, and begin waving $200 under his snotty nose, saying to him, "Okay, pale face, this money is yours if you immediately break form, actual naturally, and stop harassing me."

The mime always takes a few moments to think, then quietly replies, "Er, alright, buddy, but try not to let anyone see what we're doing."

And that's when I snap back the money from his fingers saying, "No deal, flour head, I just wanted to see what would be the price for you to sell out your principles of miming." I walk away unmolested.

Clowns are something else. They must have a high rate of divorce. I can imagine a clown and his non-clown wife sitting in front of a marriage counselor, the wife angrily saying, "He doesn't respect me," and the clown angrily retorting, "She has no sense of humor."

-Old Gargoyle

Reflection on Sunday, May 31

As I feared, my homilist on Sunday, May 24 was disappointing.

Sunday, May 31 celebrates the Pentecost event. The gospel reading for that Sunday does not describe the event because Pentecost is recorded in Acts of the Apostles, not in any gospel. Thus the first reading will be the Pentecost story from Acts 2:1-11. The gospel reading will be John 20:19-23 in which Jesus makes one of his post-Resurrection, pre-Ascension appearances to his apostles.

To repeat, my homilist and yours on May 31 will want to make a quick practical-moral application of the Pentecost story and the gospel reading to the daily lives of his congregation. He will unfortunately neglect, I predict, first to give adequate attention to the meaning and some aspects of the original intention of the gospel authors (Luke and John). After all, these verses were written decades after the events themselves, so they give us an insight into how the first-century Church was believing and practicing as much as they are supposed to give us instruction directly from Jesus.

I will want to know, e.g.:

Wind, fire, and water are three primary natural signs of the presence or power of God in the Old Testament. How do these signs appear in the Pentecost and gospel stories?

In the gospel reading, Jesus seems to give the fullness of the Holy Spirit to his apostles. Then why is the giving of the Spirit repeated days or weeks later on Pentecost Day?

The apostles at the Pentecost event begin speaking in languages never learned by them, ordinary languages used in the Eastern Mediterranean region by various nationality Jews and Gentiles of that day. Then why do Pentecostal or charismatic Christians today, when they claim to "speak in tongues," speak unintelligible sounds and not formal languages?

In intepreting the Pentecost event, Peter applies the Old Testament prophet, Joel, and claims that his (Peter's) audience is now living in "the last days." What are the last days? Two-thousand years today after that event, what happened to the last days?

Baptism, Confirmation, and Eucharist are the three basic sacraments in the Church. What is the relationship of Confirmation to Pentecost?

I anxiously await what my homilist will preach.

-Old Gargoyle

Keep in Touch

No one likes pushy salesmen. I encountered one last week in a corner of Home Depot; he was pushing some home-repair gizmo. I gave him my basic personal information only because I wanted my name to be drawn in his product's prize contest. But he just wouldn't let me go. I finally cut him off and walked away saying, "Have your people call my people."

Yesterday I received mail notices stating that the local German, French, Transylvanian, and Icelandic embassies had been contacted for detailed personal information on myself.

-Old Gargoyle

Reflection on Sunday, May 24

The Sunday gospel reading tomorrow is the story of the Ascension as found in Mark 16:15-20. Every homilist will be anxious to make some application of the story to the daily lives of his congregation. But before doing that, it would be intellectually and spiritually helpful for him to explain as best as possible---not an easy task---the original meaning in the mind of the evangelist (gospel author) and the first-century Christians who are "looking over his shoulder" as he writes this story. I myself would want to know, e.g.:

When did the Ascension of Jesus into heaven occur? One gospel suggests it was forty days after the Resurrection, another gospel suggests about two weeks, another suggests Easter Sunday itself, etc.

When Jesus in this reading orders his followers to "Go into the whole world," did He mean the entire globe or just the limited world about which his followers and his own human mind would have known?

In another gospel, the Ascension story mentions doubt toward the resurrected-ascending Jesus expressed by some of his disciples. This doubt appears in this Mark reading but just before the Ascension event itself. How could they be doubting (unbelieving?) with the resurrected Jesus right in front of them?

The Ascension means that the body-soul of Jesus enters heaven. If heaven is supposed to a metauniversal "place" or a state of existence for only spirits (God, angels, human souls), how does the ascended Christ "fit" into heaven? Yes, his body is a resurrected-transformed body capable of walking through walls, appearing and disappearing at will, etc., but it still is a body, i.e., it must have some material dimension---otherwise it's not a body. And the laws of physics say that any bit of matter must occupy physical space. In this sense, exactly where is his ascended body?

I'm anxious to hear what my homilist preaches.

-Old Gargoyle

What's the Frequency, Kenneth?

If you don't know the reference made by the title of this blog, you are indeed young, maybe too young to be reading any blogs. I don't know.

At any rate, I do know that you should be aware: I have a stalker. According to the photos he has sent me, his name is Pike Matin (perhaps a pseudonym). He seems to be just under six feet, about age 40, short dark hair, and mustache. If anything unusual happens to me, be alert at my funeral. Don't allow this guy in; he'll be determined to ruin it, possibly by violence, possibly by cracking jokes.

-Old Gargoyle

American Idle

Last night was spent in the hospital emergency room. I was treated for exhaustion---exhaustion from having successfully avoided for months watching a single episode of "American Idol."

-Old Gargoyle

Hold the Mustard

The little woman thinks like a Slav. "You're like a delicatessen," she said to me, "you're full of baloney, and smell like old cheese."

-Old Gargoyle

Cough, Cough! Smells Like Leon

This scattering of the ashes of a deceased loved one into the open air must stop. These scatterings are being popularized by scenes in movies and television programs. Enough already! It's air pollution. If the government increasingly protects me from breathing the exhaled foul air of cigarette smokers, why can't it protect me from breathing the exhaled foul ashes of smoked humans?

-Old Gargoyle

My Ship Has Come In

"You have won $1,000,000!" read the letter I received in the mail this morning. It's from a business called Fred's Janitorial Services. The letter adds that I must report in person forty hours each week at their office, where I'll be paid the million at the rate of $7.50 per hour. A million dollars! Hotdamn! I'll be at Fred's this afternoon!

-Old Gargoyle

The Curious Case of Gargoyle Button

"Button up!" "Button your lip!" "Button (or unbutton) just one more!" "Button-down look!" It's amazing the attention which one or so little buttons can command. So when I go to the stores, I put on an overshirt which I don't tuck into my pants. But I also make sure that the shirt's buttons are misaligned so that one half of the shirt is too high and the other half is too low. This appearance makes clerks and customers regard me as "mentally challenged" (is that the current politically-correct term?), as they reach for shelf items for me, and allow me to cut to the head of the checkout line.

-Old Gargoyle

Times Are Tough

My granddaughter, Little Dia, graduated from kindergarten this week.

"Congratulations," I said to her, "now go out and get a job."

Her parents were taken aback at what I said. What's wrong with them? Don't they read the newspapers?

-Old Gargoyle

A Dull Razor

Well, well. My old calendar shows that it was several decades ago today that I, after having been inspired by the young Bill Murray in his drama movie, "The Razor's Edge," arrived in Tibet. After weeks of physical and spiritual preparation, I climbed Mount Mi Bood in search of the famous guru atop it. After several days I reached the top alone, and found him squatting meditation style in the mist.

"Oh, venerable one," I cried, "please tell me the very meaning of life itself!"

The guru paused and said, "A wet bird flies at night."

"What?" I screamed, "I've come all this way, clawed and scraped my way to the top of this mountain, only to hear that the meaning of life is that a wet bird flies at night?"

"You mean . . . you mean," the guru replied, "a wet bird DOESN'T fly at night?"

-Old Gargoyle

Nine Dollars for the Small Coke, You Say?

I guess I'll go see two current movies. I'm not familiar with this "Angels and Demons." I heard a bit in passing that it involves the move a few years ago of the St. Louis Cardinals to California, then to Rome. The other flick is "Star Trek." I know about that one, and I'm ready again to go where no man has gone before: on a quest for cheap intellectual thrills.

-Old Gargoyle

Don't Mess with Me

My recent bike ride took me past a high-school football field. It's only late spring, but the team already was practicing; then the players posed for photos. I remember that even in the classrooms, even in private high schools which ban facial hair on the boy students, most football players usually go unshaven during the pigskin season. I guess the boys think that when they're on the line during games against other teams, their opponents will look at their facial hair and say, "OhmyGod, these guys are really tough---they don't shave! We're gonna lose!" And I remember the hundreds of newspaper and school photos of football players I've seen over the years. Not a single player ever smiles in any of them. Compare that to the smiling pictures of baseball, tennis, soccer, etc. players. Football players are special people.

-Old Gargoyle

Eagle Eyes

I wonder if airplane pilots, when they land their aircraft and begin walking into the terminal, say to themselves, "Boy, things really look big from down here."

-Old Gargoyle

Eleventh Commandment

In my car I have a small item which someone bought in Germany and gave to me. It's a photo of Pope Benedict XVI set in a metal frame. The frame is the same size and shape as a policeman's star-shape badge. Whenever a jerk cuts me off in traffic, I blow my horn at him, then hold up my B-16 commemorative item in my window for the jerk to see. Jerk usually slows down, and makes an apologetic motion with his hand to me. I guess papal authority still carries some weight in this world.

-Old Gargoyle

Jeepers Peepers

I like birds, but, man, I'm no birdwatcher. Silly bunch of people with their funny hats and their binoculars hanging around their necks, always ssshhussing each other, always looking up. I wonder if some rare birds ever become gaspingly irritated at having their every move watched by those clowns. Birds can and should complain.

-Old Gargoyle

Lions 18, Badgers 0

I can imagine a couple of lions at a water cooler situated under a shade tree on the prairie. Each lion is obtaining a drink, and one is saying to the other, "Catch the game last night?"

-Old Gargoyle

God 36, Guys 28

I now officially am in Seine. For some reason, the little woman laughingly confirms it every time I say it. Anyway, even here in the boondocks of Delaware can I catch my favorite t.v. programs. But, boy, I don't like to see them delayed by sports games. And what I also don't like seeing is, when I catch a game at its tail end, one of the basketball, golf, hockey, or tennis players, or one of the racers or boxers give thanks on the interviewer's microphone to God or Jesus for the victory. Once, just once, I'd love to hear a player from the losing team angrily criticizing God or Jesus for allowing the team to lose. After all, doesn't God realize that He has few better things to do than to ensure victories to amateur and professional athletes 365 days per year?

-Old Gargoyle

Well, Obviously

I'm afraid it's not working. I moved the little woman and myself to this remote town of Aheadofrepoman in this forgotten state of Delaware to stay ahead of the repo man. But now strangers have been seen in the cafe on main street asking questions about us. Those guys must represent the repossession man---no other explanation; I don't have a bounty on my head, so it's not Dog and his band of merry men.

I checked my map and newspapers, and found an even-more remote town called Bruges down the valley from Aheadofrepoman. Reminds me of the award-nominated movie from last year, one of the best dark comedies I've ever seen---do rent it---"In Bruges," set in beautiful Bruges, Belgium. But Bruges won't be it for Jonka and me. Even beyond Bruges is the village of Seine. Ahh, memories of the beautiful Seine and Paris. Anyway, I'm gonna chose that latter village for us. We'll be moving in secret tonight. So tomorrow I'll be in Seine.

-Old Gargoyle

Gargoyle the Twit

As I mentioned before, I lament the gradual loss of newspapers and news magazines. The Old Gargoyle's generation produced serious, outstanding journalists, investigative reporters, and general writers for newspapers, journals, radio, and television. The younger generation has given us blogs, bloggers, blogging, googles, googlers, googling, twits, twitters, tweeters, and twitting. Those don't represent serious reporting---those are sound effects.

-Old Gargoyle

Don't Be a Nerd

It's spring, that time of year when a young man's fancy lightly turns to . . . baseball. And it's May, that time of year when students' anger strongly turns to final exams. I guess it's time for me to repeat my annual advice:

The more you study, the more you know.
The more you know, the more you forget.
The more you forget, the less you know.
The less you know, the less you forget,
The less you forget, the more you know.
So why study?

-Old Gargoyle

Goodbye, Old Friend

Oh, no, no, no. I've just now heard news of the death of actor Dom DeLuise. What a shame. I always tried to be like him. I'm taking the rest of the week off.

-Old Gargoyle

Poppin' Wheelies

Today I did my first wheelies route (delivery of Meals on Wheels) unaccompanied by my M.W. tutor.
I made two or three meal stops, then I noticed that the next six customers lived in the same neighborhood. In light of the price of gasoline for my car, I decided to stay at one house (Miss Lucille's), and from there phone-call the next several elderly persons to make their own way to Lucille's house if they wanted to eat. Well, it didn't take long. Old people in wheelchairs and with walkers can move faster than you think when they're starving. We had a feast at Lucille's. Of course, we did also eat the meals meant for the four persons toward the end of my route, but those four will just have to fend for themselves. Haven't they ever heard of cans of tuna and bags of chips? God bless our elderly citizens---they forget to file complaints.

-Old Gargoyle

Shop or Not and Go

I didn't know they existed. I entered the small store at the gas station on the corner. To my surprise, all of the store's cooler doors were jammed, and all of the other items were placed on very high shelves out of normal reach. When I returned to my car, I was better able to read the sign on the buidling: "Larry's Inconvenience Store."

-Old Gargoyle

Better Than Named Sylvester

"Watch it, buddy!" "Come on, buddy, move it!" "You think you own the road, buddy?" "Get a horse, buddy!"

It must be tough to have to drive the daily rush-hour streets and to be named Buddy.

-Old Gargoyle

It's Not Easy Being Green

Frogs' croaking makes for pretty good "singing" on their part. But I wonder if, when they are feeling melancholic, we can say they sing the greens.

-Old Gargoyle

Updates: Enlightenment

Regarding "Tough Crowd" below: I bombed. I have the scars to prove it: two facial cuts and one shoulder bruise from flying ashtrays and bottles from the audience.

The answer is yes, it was correct. The answer came swiftly unto me after Jonka read "Push or Pull the Lever?" below.

-Old Gargoyle

A Bird in Hand

I forgot to mention that last week I got a birdie on the fourth hole at the golf course. But the little woman, who doesn't like sports, made me release it.

-Old Gargoyle

Mayday! Mayday!

Things were exciting here yesterday. I didn't know that it was questionably illegal to be half-naked dancing around a ribbon- and flower-decorated pole in your front yard. But after I explained to the police that I was celebrating May Day in the traditional but seldom-seen manner, they released me. Little did they know that I really was doing my monthly Wicca celebration.

-Old Gargoyle

Avoid a Catastrophe

I repeat here my offer made many years ago: $1,000 to the person who creates and announces the one word which is the best opposite in meaning and in a grammatical-parallel sense to the word, "catastrophe." I will be the sole judge of the winner, if any.

-Old Gargoyle

Push or Pull the Lever?

I wonder if our nation was correct in granting women the right to vote.

-Old Gargoyle

Tough Crowd

During my lonely days and nights truck-driving the prairies and forests of Saskatchewan, my mind was able to wander, and I created what I think are some standup-comic deliveries. So tomorrow night's the night. After polishing my gig in my living room, I was able to clinch a late-night spot at Scratchy's Club here in Aheadofrepoman. I'll follow the magician's act. Wish me luck.

-Old Gargoyle