tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76071491924378295492024-03-08T02:00:43.770-08:00Ye Old GargoyleOld Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.comBlogger754125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-70723175855235343922011-05-12T07:10:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:31:26.722-07:00I'll Change Your F to a B-<span style="font-family: arial;">Texas is on the verge of legally allowing college students to carry handguns into their classrooms. Dozens of students, some who live in the fantasy land of violent video games, some who are angered over bad grades, some who are emotionally devastated over sour romance, some who are desperate for social recognition---and of them carrying deadly weapons---just what America's college and high-school teachers love to face each day. Isn't America great? <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-47941647795566160182011-05-12T07:08:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:31:26.818-07:00Hear Ye (Sob)!<span style="font-family: arial;">Rep. John Boehner in Washington via the U.S. House and Meatloaf in New York via "Celebrity Apprentice" give new meaning to the old role called "town crier." <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-43836184974623981652011-05-02T08:00:00.000-07:002011-05-02T08:03:30.840-07:00Like a Mighty Oak<span style="font-family: arial;">"What's that stuff you're eating, Grandpa?" my grandson asked. <br /><br />"Oakmeal. You want some?" I replied.<br /><br />"Don't you mean OATmeal?" he said.<br /><br />"Nope. Oatmeal is for wimps. This is OAKmeal. Try it. It's like eating a tree. It'll put hair on your chest."<br /><br />"No thanks," he said as he walked away.<br /><br />"Old man, you should be ashamed of yourself," the little woman then said to me.<br /><br />"Yeah," I answered, "but I hate sharing my oatmeal."<br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-49426926883568829842011-05-02T07:15:00.000-07:002011-05-02T07:17:02.319-07:00Goodnight, Sweet Prince<span style="font-family: arial;">It's just too much of a coincidence. I suspect Osama Bin Laden's location became known to the U.S. military when he insisted upon a satellite-tv installation in order to watch the recent royal wedding.<br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-16220680691470858162011-04-30T09:26:00.001-07:002011-04-30T09:30:30.039-07:00The Tie That Doesn't Bind<span style="font-family: arial;">Arrggh! I don't believe it! After three weeks of eating English gruel and of sleeping on the cold, hard ground of public parks in that country and waiting, waiting, came the dreaded midnight knock on the door. Three bobbies appeared, confiscating my invitation to Westminster Abbey and telling me that, because of my brief arrest last week for driving in my rented car on the "wrong" (right) side of the road in Bristol, my "kind of American" was no longer welcome. So they drove me to the airport and put me on an early flight back to the U.S. I'm MISSING the royal wedding! <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-14633981053877101292011-04-30T09:24:00.001-07:002011-04-30T09:26:00.140-07:00Bird Alight<span style="font-family: arial;">What's with these gigantic, bird-and-nest, satellite-dish-tv hats which English women wear? I swear, if one of those head-engorging monstrosities blocks my view of the royal couple during the wedding ceremony in the abbey, I'm going to set it afire with my lighter. <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-85957060182877545102011-04-18T06:24:00.000-07:002011-04-18T06:26:12.248-07:00"Left" in Jail<span style="font-family: arial;">I don't appreciate spending six hours in jail here in England for driving on the "wrong" side of the road in my rented car. I blame it on the warm, heavy British beer. The bobbie blamed it on my arrogant ignorance. I blamed it on my arrogant ignorance of warm, heavy British beer.<br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-47916937173009401352011-04-11T18:22:00.000-07:002011-04-11T18:24:07.984-07:00President J. C.<span style="font-family: arial;">I saw this sign of a street-corner man on my way to the airport: "Obama is not a brown-skinned, anti-war socialist who gives away free health care. You're thinking of Jesus." <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-33888823699171924852011-04-11T18:20:00.000-07:002011-04-11T18:22:15.758-07:00Wiggles<span style="font-family: arial;">I'm on my way to the royal wedding in London (remember, I received an invitation to it because of my work in the U.S. on Prince Charles' Monarchical Society and Luddite Society). I hope I'm allowed to wear and break-in my powdered wig on the airplane flight.<br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-26892364940660737852011-04-02T16:51:00.000-07:002011-04-02T16:53:40.035-07:00A Sweet Problem<span style="font-family: arial;">Arrgh! Now comes the national news that Canadian and New England maple syrup is much better for you than previously thought; its an excellent antioxidant and heart-disease fighter. And here I sit stuck with sixteen cases of sugar-cane syrup imported from South Louisiana. I can't give that stuff away---not even the poor or homeless want it.<br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-40155212071960479202011-03-30T19:04:00.000-07:002011-03-30T19:07:01.346-07:00Cow Town<span style="font-family: arial;">I think I know why Gary Busey acts the way he does on tv's "Celebrity Apprentice." Like me, he apparently has mad-cow disease. It's just a matter of time, I think, before we see him in the middle of Times Square bellowing loudly and trying to graze on grass---as I did once.<br /><br /><br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-89839672304150936702011-03-30T14:29:00.000-07:002011-03-30T14:32:09.998-07:00Dim Romance<span style="font-family: arial;">Neighbor Emory's relatives are as loony as he. When his niece visited him, he and I asked her, "We haven't seen this new boyfriend of yours whom you've been dating for six months. When do we get to see him? How did you two meet?"<br /><br />She simply replied, "We met on ghostharmony.com." <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-61932850350755860822011-03-30T14:25:00.000-07:002011-03-30T14:29:33.862-07:00100 minus 50 = 0<span style="font-family: arial;">I decided to try to help my granddaughter who's learning her higher numbers. "If I want you to break this $100 bill," I said as I handed it to her, "what you would give me back?"<br /><br />She promptly tore the bill in half and gave the half to me answering, "Fifty dollars?"<br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-16056602549487848212011-03-26T11:10:00.001-07:002011-03-26T11:11:57.834-07:00Flower Girl<span style="font-family: arial;">The little woman is off with a few friends to the big spring-flowers show downtown. She lives and breaths flowers and gardens. My funeral will say, "In lieu of flowers, please give a donation to charity," whereas Jonka's will say, "In lieu of a donation to charity, please give flowers." <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-67523243945581762652011-03-24T17:34:00.001-07:002011-03-24T17:41:50.247-07:00Money Talks<span style="font-family: arial;">Johnny Cash, Ray Charles, Dom DeLuise, Marilyn Monroe, Bill Clinton, Lash LaRue, James Brown, Frank Sinatra, Mike Tyson, Ho Chi Minh, Bobby Sox, Phil Donahue, Hubert Humphrey, Jean-Paul Sartre, Al Pacino, Bob Seger, Chuck Roast, Jeffrey Dalmer, Lady Gaga---these are some of the names with which I've signed my credit-card purchases at various stores and restaurants. Not a single clerk or waitress had the least concern about my signature nor for financial rules, not unlike the Wall Street traders who have no concern for financial regulations of their own actions. God help our economy and our money. <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-42085918961510629312011-03-23T15:56:00.000-07:002011-03-23T16:00:18.466-07:00Wiseass<span style="font-family: arial;">"I have to write a report for school about the wisest person I know," my granddaughter said to me.<br /><br />"Well," I said, "I don't like to brag, but I'm sort of known for my wiseness. In fact, it's been said that my wiseness is second to none."<br /><br />"Isn't it called wisdom, not wiseness?" she countered.<br /><br />I replied, "That's a common misconception of people who have a lesser degree of wisehoodness."<br /><br />She walked away. <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-64410860678649255562011-03-21T16:32:00.000-07:002011-03-21T16:36:50.000-07:00Randy, Gary, Charlie, Etc.<span style="font-family: arial;">Actor Randy Quaid, still in legal trouble, is still publicly promoting awareness of the "Hollywood Star Whackers," a group of thugs, he claims, which has murdered at least one Hollywood celebrity and seeks to terminate others, causing him to be constantly on the move. I certainly hope Randy succeeds actor Gary Busey on the next tv season of "Celebrity Apprentice."<br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-69127650308309985892011-03-18T11:51:00.000-07:002011-03-18T11:52:34.593-07:00Pie Are Round<span style="font-family: arial;">The recent St. Patrick Day reminds me that the roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.<br /><br /><br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-2974545408553461252011-03-18T11:49:00.000-07:002011-03-18T11:51:24.370-07:00I'm Toast<span style="font-family: arial;">The little woman is sardonic. She knows how much it irks me to hear when I'm on a business call, "Please continue to hold. Your call is important to us." So without me realizing what she did, she bought a new toaster for our kitchen. When I put slices of bread into it, then began banging it because it was taking too long, the recorded voice from the toaster began saying to me, "Please continue to hold. Your toast is important to us." <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-67735096075121238532011-03-14T07:27:00.000-07:002011-03-14T07:30:31.698-07:00Finnish First<span style="font-family: arial;">At a time when American students are still falling behind the academic achievement of students in other countries, school districts in all fifty states are in financial crisis. Even Finland is overtaking other nations in student achievement. Finland's education minister, Bjrrk Lkrkpffjpp, predicts that in five years Finnish students will top everyone else. When that happens, I surely hope that Finland doesn't raid our American English alphabet and steal its vowels. <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-65948920459119168262011-03-04T07:26:00.001-08:002011-03-04T07:29:01.764-08:00A Mooving Experience<span style="font-family:arial;">Now I have two new worries. I don't know what to wear to the royal wedding in April. And with the advent of spring brings a reactivation of my mad-cow disease. Jonka suggests that I wear a leather suit to London. Maybe so. I just hope that during the exchange of vows in Westminster Cathedral I don't suddenly burst out mooing.<br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-78883094305701456892011-02-24T13:17:00.000-08:002011-02-24T13:19:32.436-08:00London Fog<span style="font-family: arial;">I'm surprised to receive an invitation to the royal wedding in London in April. I guess it's because of my activities as a member of the Monarchial Society of America or the Luddite Society, the latter which is headquartered in Leeds, England and is a favorite of Prince Charles. Wish me luck.<br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-71312404477980395362011-02-22T13:01:00.001-08:002011-02-22T13:03:10.674-08:00Milkman<span style="font-family: arial;">I swear to God he's crazy. Neighbor Emory and I went to the marsh to do some duck hunting. On our way we passed through a pasture. Suddenly Emory turned and blasted apart two cows with his shotgun. "Why in the hell did you do that?" I screamed.<br /><br />"Why? Because I'm extremely lactose intolerant, that's why." <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-12511114643636850472011-02-22T08:22:00.000-08:002011-02-22T08:25:49.400-08:00Maleman<span style="font-family: arial;">"Where are you going dressed like that?" the little woman asked me.<br /><br />"Out to get the mail," I replied.<br /><br />"You can't go outside in just your bathrobe at this time of day. What will the neighbors think?" she continued.<br /><br />"It'll probably down on them that our mail doesn't walk itself into the house," I answered. <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7607149192437829549.post-35112065334115514122011-02-22T08:16:00.000-08:002011-02-22T08:22:12.966-08:00Stay Home from Work<span style="font-family: arial;">I couldn't believe it. When I arrived early at the courtroom for my disturbance-of-the-peace hearing, I found myself in the tail end of an earlier death-sentence appeal. <br /><br />"Clemency is denied," said the judge, "the prisoner is condemned to death."<br /><br />"When should the sentence be implemented, Your Honor?" asked the attorney.<br /><br />"What was Mr. Brown's occupation?" the judge responded.<br /><br />"He was a cable-tv installer, Your Honor."<br /><br />"In that case, he will be executed someday next week and sometime between 8:am and 5:pm." <br /></span>Old Gargoylehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09875853676045366023noreply@blogger.com0