London Fog

I'm surprised to receive an invitation to the royal wedding in London in April. I guess it's because of my activities as a member of the Monarchial Society of America or the Luddite Society, the latter which is headquartered in Leeds, England and is a favorite of Prince Charles. Wish me luck.

Milkman

I swear to God he's crazy. Neighbor Emory and I went to the marsh to do some duck hunting. On our way we passed through a pasture. Suddenly Emory turned and blasted apart two cows with his shotgun. "Why in the hell did you do that?" I screamed.

"Why? Because I'm extremely lactose intolerant, that's why."

Maleman

"Where are you going dressed like that?" the little woman asked me.

"Out to get the mail," I replied.

"You can't go outside in just your bathrobe at this time of day. What will the neighbors think?" she continued.

"It'll probably down on them that our mail doesn't walk itself into the house," I answered.

Stay Home from Work

I couldn't believe it. When I arrived early at the courtroom for my disturbance-of-the-peace hearing, I found myself in the tail end of an earlier death-sentence appeal.

"Clemency is denied," said the judge, "the prisoner is condemned to death."

"When should the sentence be implemented, Your Honor?" asked the attorney.

"What was Mr. Brown's occupation?" the judge responded.

"He was a cable-tv installer, Your Honor."

"In that case, he will be executed someday next week and sometime between 8:am and 5:pm."

Prince of Reruns?

I'm devoted to the adventures and trials of Val in the comic strip, "Prince Valiant," but, doggone it, it seems lately that the drawn stories are identical to the ones I was reading in the 1950s.

It'll Also Be Able To See Russia

The super computer named Watson this week defeated two human experts on tv's "Jeopardy." It won tens of thousands of dollars, which were donated to charity. I hear that Watson's handlers now are perfecting another computer, the Palin 2012, which won't be able to answer many questions correctly, but which will be paid at least half-a-million dollars per answer.

Use Your Sleeve

I caught a rerun of the movie, "Edward Scissorhands." It made me wonder how Edward handles his own coughs and sneezes.

It's in the Stars

So the zodiacal chart has been revised from twelve to thirteen signs because of new astronomical discoveries. If the famous Zodiac Killer in California, who never has been caught, has been preparing a comeback, he must be in an awful state of confusion.

That's Right

I finally saw the current movie, "127 Hours." The main actor, James Franco, did a great job; he's nominated for an Oscar. I imagine that many young actors would've given their right arm for this role.

Who's the Fairest of Them All?

Good luck on this Valentine Day to the husband in the tv show, "Big Love."

Blue Mona Lisa

After my part-time winter job as a chimneysweep came to an end, I was lucky to join the famous Blue Man Group, the one which works out of Dover. But that lasted only two weeks. They fired me for smiling too much.

No One Is Irreplaceable

Why is President Mubarek forced to resign but not the coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers?

The Queen's Speech

Now if only Geoffrey Rush could teach Christine Aguilar how to sing the national anthem.

Life Is but a Stage

The recent Oscar nominations again remind me of the four stages in an actor's career. Says the producer:

1st stage: "Who's Brad Pitt?"
2nd stage: "Get me Brad Pitt!"
3rd stage: "Get me a Brad Pitt-type!"
4th stage: "Who's Brad Pitt?"

Travel Light

Neighbor Emory read that the federal government issued a travel warning in light of the recent extreme snowstorms. It calls for a shovel, blankets, 24 hours of food, de-icer, rock salt, flashlights, road flares, can of gasoline, booster cables, and first-aid kit. Emory is a dutiful citizen. He packed these things with him, but he was terribly embarrassed when he caught his ride on the city bus.

Safe and Unsound

This afternoon the little woman said to me, "Where did I put that receipt from the jewelry store? I need to return these earrings."

"Beats me," I answered.

"I know I didn't throw it away. I remember putting it in a safe place. I just can't remember now where that safe place is!" she began screaming.

"Well," I said, "at least you can take comfort in knowing that it's safe."

Later she didn't cook me dinner.

A Good Read Anywhere

The author, Albert Morrison, has published a new book in which he postulates intelligent creatures on other planets. He's having a book-signing session at the Seine library today. I think I'll attend and ask him on which of those planets people are still buying books.

Where's the Remote?

Some new reality-tv shows I'd kill to see: "Overdue": 'Librarians compete to see who can be the quietest and the oldest.'" "The Emperor's New Cat": 'Contestants vie for the attention of a cat which inherited twenty-million dollars.'" "America's Next Environmental Disaster": 'Four drunk college students go in search of the next catastrophe.'"

The Sister I Never Had

Valentine Day rapidly approaches. I guess the little woman will expect her usual flowers and chocolates. Which reminds me: Grandparents Day is a fairly new creation in our society, but the yet-newer Sibling Day is still not well known. I think I'll send my sister, who was an only child, a special card. Sibling Day is March 7. I hope she remembers me.

Lord Knows They Need It

I'm going to take the $500 I won on the Super Bowl and give it to the "Please Give to the Corpulent Children in Grosse Pointe Fund." I invite you to do the same with any amount possible.

The Devil Made Me Do It

I went to see "The Rite" hoping to learn something. I learned that the devil doesn't went me to go see Hollywood movies about exorcism.

The Three Pharoahs

Egyptian President Mobarek uses his diminuitive name as, e.g., Eisenhower used "Ike." Mobarek's new vice president is Larituk, and his prime minister will be Shemparud. In other words, Egypt will be ruled by Mo, Lari, and Shemp.

Job Bowl

So the Super Bowl features two teams whose mascots are named after large groups of out-of-job laborers, namely, butcher-meat packers and steel-factory workers. Why doesn't the N.F.L. just go ahead and change the names of other teams---thus the New England Empty-Net Fishermen, the Detroit Laid-Off Automakers, the New Orleans Katrina Survivors, the Seattle Former Aerospace Engineers, etc.?

Blood Brothers

Because I'm addicted to "Two-and-a-Half Men," maybe I should be in rehab with Charlie Sheen.

Mamma Grizzly

I really think that Sarah Palin (who remains as cute as a button) is really a Russian spy. After all, she wears Lenin-style eyeglasses and Red dresses and sweaters, and she identifies with and promotes the bear (the Russian symbol).

Who's the Rodent Here?

My short drive with Emory from Seine to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania for the Groundhog Day festivity cost me a crunching $2,000. That's the fine I had to pay on behalf of that loony neighbor of mine. Emory didn't know what to expect at the festival. When the groundhog exited its hideaway, it startled Emory, who promptly pulled his pistol and shot the rodent dead. The video of this should hit YouTube by tonight.