I'll Change Your F to a B-

Texas is on the verge of legally allowing college students to carry handguns into their classrooms. Dozens of students, some who live in the fantasy land of violent video games, some who are angered over bad grades, some who are emotionally devastated over sour romance, some who are desperate for social recognition---and of them carrying deadly weapons---just what America's college and high-school teachers love to face each day. Isn't America great?

Hear Ye (Sob)!

Rep. John Boehner in Washington via the U.S. House and Meatloaf in New York via "Celebrity Apprentice" give new meaning to the old role called "town crier."

Like a Mighty Oak

"What's that stuff you're eating, Grandpa?" my grandson asked.

"Oakmeal. You want some?" I replied.

"Don't you mean OATmeal?" he said.

"Nope. Oatmeal is for wimps. This is OAKmeal. Try it. It's like eating a tree. It'll put hair on your chest."

"No thanks," he said as he walked away.

"Old man, you should be ashamed of yourself," the little woman then said to me.

"Yeah," I answered, "but I hate sharing my oatmeal."

Goodnight, Sweet Prince

It's just too much of a coincidence. I suspect Osama Bin Laden's location became known to the U.S. military when he insisted upon a satellite-tv installation in order to watch the recent royal wedding.

The Tie That Doesn't Bind

Arrggh! I don't believe it! After three weeks of eating English gruel and of sleeping on the cold, hard ground of public parks in that country and waiting, waiting, came the dreaded midnight knock on the door. Three bobbies appeared, confiscating my invitation to Westminster Abbey and telling me that, because of my brief arrest last week for driving in my rented car on the "wrong" (right) side of the road in Bristol, my "kind of American" was no longer welcome. So they drove me to the airport and put me on an early flight back to the U.S. I'm MISSING the royal wedding!

Bird Alight

What's with these gigantic, bird-and-nest, satellite-dish-tv hats which English women wear? I swear, if one of those head-engorging monstrosities blocks my view of the royal couple during the wedding ceremony in the abbey, I'm going to set it afire with my lighter.

"Left" in Jail

I don't appreciate spending six hours in jail here in England for driving on the "wrong" side of the road in my rented car. I blame it on the warm, heavy British beer. The bobbie blamed it on my arrogant ignorance. I blamed it on my arrogant ignorance of warm, heavy British beer.

President J. C.

I saw this sign of a street-corner man on my way to the airport: "Obama is not a brown-skinned, anti-war socialist who gives away free health care. You're thinking of Jesus."

Wiggles

I'm on my way to the royal wedding in London (remember, I received an invitation to it because of my work in the U.S. on Prince Charles' Monarchical Society and Luddite Society). I hope I'm allowed to wear and break-in my powdered wig on the airplane flight.

A Sweet Problem

Arrgh! Now comes the national news that Canadian and New England maple syrup is much better for you than previously thought; its an excellent antioxidant and heart-disease fighter. And here I sit stuck with sixteen cases of sugar-cane syrup imported from South Louisiana. I can't give that stuff away---not even the poor or homeless want it.

Cow Town

I think I know why Gary Busey acts the way he does on tv's "Celebrity Apprentice." Like me, he apparently has mad-cow disease. It's just a matter of time, I think, before we see him in the middle of Times Square bellowing loudly and trying to graze on grass---as I did once.

Dim Romance

Neighbor Emory's relatives are as loony as he. When his niece visited him, he and I asked her, "We haven't seen this new boyfriend of yours whom you've been dating for six months. When do we get to see him? How did you two meet?"

She simply replied, "We met on ghostharmony.com."

100 minus 50 = 0

I decided to try to help my granddaughter who's learning her higher numbers. "If I want you to break this $100 bill," I said as I handed it to her, "what you would give me back?"

She promptly tore the bill in half and gave the half to me answering, "Fifty dollars?"

Flower Girl

The little woman is off with a few friends to the big spring-flowers show downtown. She lives and breaths flowers and gardens. My funeral will say, "In lieu of flowers, please give a donation to charity," whereas Jonka's will say, "In lieu of a donation to charity, please give flowers."

Money Talks

Johnny Cash, Ray Charles, Dom DeLuise, Marilyn Monroe, Bill Clinton, Lash LaRue, James Brown, Frank Sinatra, Mike Tyson, Ho Chi Minh, Bobby Sox, Phil Donahue, Hubert Humphrey, Jean-Paul Sartre, Al Pacino, Bob Seger, Chuck Roast, Jeffrey Dalmer, Lady Gaga---these are some of the names with which I've signed my credit-card purchases at various stores and restaurants. Not a single clerk or waitress had the least concern about my signature nor for financial rules, not unlike the Wall Street traders who have no concern for financial regulations of their own actions. God help our economy and our money.

Wiseass

"I have to write a report for school about the wisest person I know," my granddaughter said to me.

"Well," I said, "I don't like to brag, but I'm sort of known for my wiseness. In fact, it's been said that my wiseness is second to none."

"Isn't it called wisdom, not wiseness?" she countered.

I replied, "That's a common misconception of people who have a lesser degree of wisehoodness."

She walked away.

Randy, Gary, Charlie, Etc.

Actor Randy Quaid, still in legal trouble, is still publicly promoting awareness of the "Hollywood Star Whackers," a group of thugs, he claims, which has murdered at least one Hollywood celebrity and seeks to terminate others, causing him to be constantly on the move. I certainly hope Randy succeeds actor Gary Busey on the next tv season of "Celebrity Apprentice."

Pie Are Round

The recent St. Patrick Day reminds me that the roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I'm Toast

The little woman is sardonic. She knows how much it irks me to hear when I'm on a business call, "Please continue to hold. Your call is important to us." So without me realizing what she did, she bought a new toaster for our kitchen. When I put slices of bread into it, then began banging it because it was taking too long, the recorded voice from the toaster began saying to me, "Please continue to hold. Your toast is important to us."

Finnish First

At a time when American students are still falling behind the academic achievement of students in other countries, school districts in all fifty states are in financial crisis. Even Finland is overtaking other nations in student achievement. Finland's education minister, Bjrrk Lkrkpffjpp, predicts that in five years Finnish students will top everyone else. When that happens, I surely hope that Finland doesn't raid our American English alphabet and steal its vowels.

A Mooving Experience

Now I have two new worries. I don't know what to wear to the royal wedding in April. And with the advent of spring brings a reactivation of my mad-cow disease. Jonka suggests that I wear a leather suit to London. Maybe so. I just hope that during the exchange of vows in Westminster Cathedral I don't suddenly burst out mooing.

London Fog

I'm surprised to receive an invitation to the royal wedding in London in April. I guess it's because of my activities as a member of the Monarchial Society of America or the Luddite Society, the latter which is headquartered in Leeds, England and is a favorite of Prince Charles. Wish me luck.

Milkman

I swear to God he's crazy. Neighbor Emory and I went to the marsh to do some duck hunting. On our way we passed through a pasture. Suddenly Emory turned and blasted apart two cows with his shotgun. "Why in the hell did you do that?" I screamed.

"Why? Because I'm extremely lactose intolerant, that's why."

Maleman

"Where are you going dressed like that?" the little woman asked me.

"Out to get the mail," I replied.

"You can't go outside in just your bathrobe at this time of day. What will the neighbors think?" she continued.

"It'll probably down on them that our mail doesn't walk itself into the house," I answered.

Stay Home from Work

I couldn't believe it. When I arrived early at the courtroom for my disturbance-of-the-peace hearing, I found myself in the tail end of an earlier death-sentence appeal.

"Clemency is denied," said the judge, "the prisoner is condemned to death."

"When should the sentence be implemented, Your Honor?" asked the attorney.

"What was Mr. Brown's occupation?" the judge responded.

"He was a cable-tv installer, Your Honor."

"In that case, he will be executed someday next week and sometime between 8:am and 5:pm."

Prince of Reruns?

I'm devoted to the adventures and trials of Val in the comic strip, "Prince Valiant," but, doggone it, it seems lately that the drawn stories are identical to the ones I was reading in the 1950s.

It'll Also Be Able To See Russia

The super computer named Watson this week defeated two human experts on tv's "Jeopardy." It won tens of thousands of dollars, which were donated to charity. I hear that Watson's handlers now are perfecting another computer, the Palin 2012, which won't be able to answer many questions correctly, but which will be paid at least half-a-million dollars per answer.

Use Your Sleeve

I caught a rerun of the movie, "Edward Scissorhands." It made me wonder how Edward handles his own coughs and sneezes.

It's in the Stars

So the zodiacal chart has been revised from twelve to thirteen signs because of new astronomical discoveries. If the famous Zodiac Killer in California, who never has been caught, has been preparing a comeback, he must be in an awful state of confusion.

That's Right

I finally saw the current movie, "127 Hours." The main actor, James Franco, did a great job; he's nominated for an Oscar. I imagine that many young actors would've given their right arm for this role.

Who's the Fairest of Them All?

Good luck on this Valentine Day to the husband in the tv show, "Big Love."

Blue Mona Lisa

After my part-time winter job as a chimneysweep came to an end, I was lucky to join the famous Blue Man Group, the one which works out of Dover. But that lasted only two weeks. They fired me for smiling too much.

No One Is Irreplaceable

Why is President Mubarek forced to resign but not the coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers?

The Queen's Speech

Now if only Geoffrey Rush could teach Christine Aguilar how to sing the national anthem.

Life Is but a Stage

The recent Oscar nominations again remind me of the four stages in an actor's career. Says the producer:

1st stage: "Who's Brad Pitt?"
2nd stage: "Get me Brad Pitt!"
3rd stage: "Get me a Brad Pitt-type!"
4th stage: "Who's Brad Pitt?"

Travel Light

Neighbor Emory read that the federal government issued a travel warning in light of the recent extreme snowstorms. It calls for a shovel, blankets, 24 hours of food, de-icer, rock salt, flashlights, road flares, can of gasoline, booster cables, and first-aid kit. Emory is a dutiful citizen. He packed these things with him, but he was terribly embarrassed when he caught his ride on the city bus.

Safe and Unsound

This afternoon the little woman said to me, "Where did I put that receipt from the jewelry store? I need to return these earrings."

"Beats me," I answered.

"I know I didn't throw it away. I remember putting it in a safe place. I just can't remember now where that safe place is!" she began screaming.

"Well," I said, "at least you can take comfort in knowing that it's safe."

Later she didn't cook me dinner.

A Good Read Anywhere

The author, Albert Morrison, has published a new book in which he postulates intelligent creatures on other planets. He's having a book-signing session at the Seine library today. I think I'll attend and ask him on which of those planets people are still buying books.

Where's the Remote?

Some new reality-tv shows I'd kill to see: "Overdue": 'Librarians compete to see who can be the quietest and the oldest.'" "The Emperor's New Cat": 'Contestants vie for the attention of a cat which inherited twenty-million dollars.'" "America's Next Environmental Disaster": 'Four drunk college students go in search of the next catastrophe.'"

The Sister I Never Had

Valentine Day rapidly approaches. I guess the little woman will expect her usual flowers and chocolates. Which reminds me: Grandparents Day is a fairly new creation in our society, but the yet-newer Sibling Day is still not well known. I think I'll send my sister, who was an only child, a special card. Sibling Day is March 7. I hope she remembers me.

Lord Knows They Need It

I'm going to take the $500 I won on the Super Bowl and give it to the "Please Give to the Corpulent Children in Grosse Pointe Fund." I invite you to do the same with any amount possible.

The Devil Made Me Do It

I went to see "The Rite" hoping to learn something. I learned that the devil doesn't went me to go see Hollywood movies about exorcism.

The Three Pharoahs

Egyptian President Mobarek uses his diminuitive name as, e.g., Eisenhower used "Ike." Mobarek's new vice president is Larituk, and his prime minister will be Shemparud. In other words, Egypt will be ruled by Mo, Lari, and Shemp.

Job Bowl

So the Super Bowl features two teams whose mascots are named after large groups of out-of-job laborers, namely, butcher-meat packers and steel-factory workers. Why doesn't the N.F.L. just go ahead and change the names of other teams---thus the New England Empty-Net Fishermen, the Detroit Laid-Off Automakers, the New Orleans Katrina Survivors, the Seattle Former Aerospace Engineers, etc.?

Blood Brothers

Because I'm addicted to "Two-and-a-Half Men," maybe I should be in rehab with Charlie Sheen.

Mamma Grizzly

I really think that Sarah Palin (who remains as cute as a button) is really a Russian spy. After all, she wears Lenin-style eyeglasses and Red dresses and sweaters, and she identifies with and promotes the bear (the Russian symbol).

Who's the Rodent Here?

My short drive with Emory from Seine to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania for the Groundhog Day festivity cost me a crunching $2,000. That's the fine I had to pay on behalf of that loony neighbor of mine. Emory didn't know what to expect at the festival. When the groundhog exited its hideaway, it startled Emory, who promptly pulled his pistol and shot the rodent dead. The video of this should hit YouTube by tonight.

Esoteric Optimism

"[My] Omega Point Theory allows the key concepts of the Judeo-Christian-Islamic tradition now to be modern physics concepts: theology is nothing but physical cosmology based on the assumption that life as a whole is immortal. A consequence of this assumption is the resurrection of everyone who has ever lived to eternal life. Physics has now absorbed theology; the divorce between science and religion, between reason and emotion, is over. . . . Science can now offer precisely the consolations in facing death that religion once offered. Religion is now part of science." (from Frank Tipler, "The Physics of Immortality"; Tipler is professor of mathematical physics at Tulane University and an atheist)

Winter Blues and Whites

My part-time winter job as a chimneysweep hasn't been going well. Just too much blasted snow on the roofs. In addition, of the few houses on which I was hired to work, four had their chimneys jammed not merely with soot but with items such as boxes of shoes, purses, etc. from the housewives who were hiding stuff from their husbands; three other chimneys were packed with old fireworks, some used but some dangerously still alive; and two others actually had in them the dead bodies of distant relatives who had come home for a surprise visit dressed like Santa Claus and with a chimney descent planned.

On the other hand, Seine is enjoying some good news despite its snowstorms. It seems that Quebec City, which celebrates its annual Bonhomme Winter Festival, envied the amount of snow and ice which my Delaware region has been receiving. Those wacky Frenchmen bought tons of the white stuff from us for their festival. Neighbor Emory and I almost broke our backs helping shovel the precious payload for deportation, and we made ourselves a little pocket money. Looks as if I won't have to go choking down any chimneys for a while.

Mirror, Mirror on the Hand

A delightful joke I just read:

A young woman was speeding in her sports car when she was stopped by a policewoman. "Please show me your driver's license," the policewoman said to the driver.

"Yes, M'am. What does it look like?" the woman driver replied as she began fumbling in her purse.

"It's rectangular and it has your picture on it," the cop answered.

The driver kept digging in her purse until she found a small rectangular mirror. "Here," she said, giving it to the policewoman.

The cop looked in the mirror, then said, "Okay, Miss, you can go. I didn't realize you too are a police officer."

Yes, I'm afraid so: both women were bleached blonds.

Check Your Junk at the Door

Well, I guess it was inevitable. After four months of attending the Hoarders Anonymous meetings at the vacant storefront building on main street in Seine, I can longer do so. It seems that after a dozen meetings there, members cannot enter the large room. Why not? You guessed it. They have overcrowded it with a four-foot-high pile of stuff resulting from all the crap they've brought to the meetings and deposited there.

Doctor Who

"Upon the death of Pope Pius XII [in 1958], his personal physician, the quack, Dr. Galeazzi-Lisi, presented himself to the dean of the Sacred College of Cardinals, the French Cardinal Eugene Tisserant . . . and obtained permission to treat the late pontiff's remains. In an uncharacteristically uncritical move, Tisserant agreed to allow the physician to spray the papal corpse with a compound of resins, oils, and other chemicals which were supposed to produce a 'deoxidizing process' and prevent decay. The results were disastrous. The body decayed almost immediately and such a stench arose that the casket had to be lined with cellophane.

"During the transfer of the body back to Rome [from Castel Gadalfo] the hearse had to make repeated stops as its drivers were overcome by the odor emanating from the casket. During a stop at the St. John Lateran Basilica for a brief service, the seals on the casket exploded loudly just as the vice-gerent of Rome, the future Cardinal Luigi Traglia, intoned the ancient prayer, . . . 'May the angels lead you into paradise.' The pressure from the pope's badly embalmed body had blown the seals. Once the body reached the Vatican, artists were summoned to hastily make up the deteriorating remains so that they might be laid out in state." (from John-Peter Pham, "Heirs of the Fisherman")

We'll Need a Larger Lab

A news report says that a team of six scientists in Japan claims that, using d.n.a. from the recently excavated remains of an ancient wooly mammoth, it will be able to create a living wooly mammoth in five or six years. Another report says that, coincidentally, those same scientists are the only six remaining persons in the world who never have seen "Jurassiac Park."

Support the Competition

I'm not much of a reader of blogs, but I do recommend one for its mix of philosophical and practical wisdom: www.mainstreetmuse.blogspot.com.

And the Bands Played On

A few of you readers have asked the Gargoyle about his favorite songs. So many, so many. Among the oldies which quickly come to mind are Ray Charles' "I'll Be Seeing You," "Drown in My Own Tears," and "Tell the Truth"; Brook Benton's "So Many Ways"; Bob Dylan's "Girl from the North Country" and "Visions of Johannah"; Rod Stewart's "Mandolin Wind"; Van Morrison's "These Are the Days" and "In the Garden"; Nana Mouskouri's "Even Now"; Jesse Winchester's "Yankee Lady"; Mickey Newbury's "The Piper," " Sweet Memory," and "East Kentucky."

Among the more recent are Leonard Cohen's "Alexandra Leaving" and "Take This Waltz"; Mark Cohn's "Silver Thunderbird"; Washboard Chaz' "Mother Died"; Ray LaMontagne's "Narrow Escape"; Danielle Messia's "La paradis des musiciens"; Laura Smith's "My Bonny."

I think heaven will consist of large auditoriums where you can attend your favorite kinds of music for all eternity---for free.

The Ritual

Neighbor Emory received a repossession notice on his Buick. He's hiring Reverend Lee, the local fundamentalist preacher, to do a exorcism on it.

May 1st Flag Poles

The Vatican has announced that it expects one million tourists from Poland to visit Rome for the beatification of Pope John Paul II on May 1. Well, I guess that answers the question, "How many Poles does it take to witness a beatification ceremony?"

Don't Tread on Me

Almost every adult American owns and drives a vehicle, a very important and expensive item to him or her. He registers it and has it inspected annually at the government's instruction, and he pays insurance on it as required by the government in many states. Moreover, he's satisfied that the same government doesn't allow him to drive a military-type tank down the streets. The negative effects of all of this on his ownership and driving is almost negligible. And yet some of these drivers scream and complain to high heaven that it's "governmental socialism and takeover" to be disallowed or at least discouraged from buying military-type firearms and/or registering them---and being required to buy health insurance even from private insurance companies. Go figure.

Unlucky Thirteen

Astrophysicists now say that, after recalculation of the latest cosmic data, we should have thirteen, not twelve, astrological signs. Dear Lord, the implications of chaos from this information! This means, for example, that the famous Zodiac Killer in California---apparently through no fault of his own---murdered several wrong people.

Dead or Alive

I watched the recent Golden Globe Awards on tv. Host Rickey Gervais was saucy but fun. Actor Steve Buscemi---is he enbalmed?

And now the announcement that---gasp---my hero, Gary Busey, will be one of the contestants on Donald Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice." I predict he'll burn down the whole damn Trump Tower before that season's series ends.

Bon Appetit

When I watch news-variety-talk programs on tv, and they have a segment in which the host receives a cooking lesson from a guest, I immediately change the channel. Can't stand those dumb segments. And yet . . . and yet I've discovered a food program proper on the Cooking Channel which keeps my eyes glued to the screen for the entire thirty minutes. It's the afternoon show, "French Chef at Home," starring the Eastern-Canadian chef, Miss Laura. Vavavoom! I just love watching Laura more than the delicate French meals she prepares. Now my kitchen pantry overflows with French stuff to Jonka's chagrin. Jonka says I subconsiously long for Julia Childs.

The Grit of Grace

I'm impressed by a sentence toward the end of the voiceover which introduces the opening scene of the current movie, "True Grit." The voice, that of the girl in the film speaking in retrospect as an adult, quotes someone who has written, "Nothing is free except the grace of God."

I never much liked the Church's teaching of grace as something quantitative (on the popular level), that is, as an "amount" of holiness which rises and falls in one's soul, or as something ontological (on the scholarly level), that is, as a category of being insofar as it is "participation in the life of God." I prefer the commonsense(?) explanation of grace as something more experiential and qualitative, that is, simply but profoundly God's graciousness toward us: his bountiful, unearned, providential care and giving to us in the exigencies of our daily living.

Were Their Noses Red?

The circus is in town. I think I'll see it, because I don't have much else for entertainment when I'm in Seine. Anyway, I was outside the cafe downtown when a small Volkswagen hit the curb and then a pole, and came to a halt. No one was injured. I stood nearby watching as a whopping one dozen of circus entertainers exited that Volkswagen. The policeman at the scene asked them, "All right, which one of you clowns was texting while driving?"

I think I'll hire that cop as a writer.

Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifts

The new year so far is so-so. I've been visited by the group of my old friends from Greece when I used to live there: Newt Monia, Arthur and Ginger Itis, Sy Attica, Sy Kosis, Di Stonia, Kat, Arack, and Hal Otosis. But I now think that with friends like these, I don't need any more enemies.

Down Under (and Over)

I visited a few churches to interview available personnel for an article. At one church office, the secretary was preparing prayers for the minister for Sunday's service.

"These are called prayers of petition," she explained. "But I'm struck on one of them. It's a request to pray for the victims of that gigantic flood this week in Australia, and I don't know exactly how to phrase it."

"Ah, yes, Northeastern Australia," I said. "Look," I continued, "remember that Australia is in the Southern Hemisphere, which means that the operations of nature are basically upside down or the opposite of ours here in the Northern Hemisphere. So just write something like, 'Heavenly Father, we pray that the major rotation of the Earth will occur very soon, so that the flood water in Australia will go quickly and upward into the air---for the relief of the people there.'"

"Gee, that sound good. Can you repeat that slowly so that I can write it?" she replied.

I did. Yes, she was a bleached blond.

As God Jehovah Is My Witness

Yesterday afternoon a group of three Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell.

"Sorry, can't talk," I said as I opened the door, "I'm in the Jehovah's Witnesses Protection Program."

"Like" My Speech?

The two best movies of 2010 are, I think, "Social Network" and "The King's Speech." "Network" probably appeals more to viewers under age 40 and "Speech" to those over 40. Both films contain constantly literate, engaging dialog; "Network" unfolds rapidly, "Speech" slowly. "Network" might achieve the improbable, namely, leaving the audience sympathetic with the millionaire founders of websites; and "Speech" might achieve its improbable, leaving its audience sympathetic to the British royal family. And seeing both movies, I'm anxious to write a speech and deliver it via Facebook.

Ups and Downs

Neighbor Emory's buddy, Warren, always was an enterprising businessman. Warren, Emory reports, has begun yet another business, namely, making landmines which look like prayer mats. Warren says business is doing very well: prophets are going through the roof.

Let Us Dance to the New Year

"And you, liar, teller of tall tales, you trample all the Lord's commandments underfoot. You murder, steal, commit adultery, and afterward break into tears, beat your breast, take down your guitar, and turn the sin into a song. Shrewd devil, you know very well that God pardons singers no matter what they do, because He could simply die for a good song!" --Nikos Kaztantzakis, "The Last Temptation of Christ"

The Root of All Evil

Strange. This morning I went to my bank to deposit the check for my 2010 beets-and-squash crop harvest (a whopping $285) . "I want to deposit this," I said to the cashier.

"Who cares?" she replied.

"What?" I said, taken aback.

"Who cares?" She then pointed to the sign at her counter, which read, "No-Interest Banking."

Don't Look Up

When I was a kid, many balding men were called Curly. Many fat boys were called Fats or Fatso, then when they became adults, were called Slim. Many other boys and men, most of whom wore short hair in those days such that their scalps were easily visible, were called Lumpy or Bumpy. The reason for the latter group was New Year's Eve. You see, at the stroke of midnight for the new year, it was common in the small-town area in which I lived for people to shoot their firearms into the night air. My father would let loose with a couple of blasts from his shotgun, and my mother would shoot all the rounds of her pistol. Many kids, of course, were outdoors at that time with their fireworks and their own guns, and it was a matter of a few minutes before all those bullets returned at high speed back to earth and to the unprotected heads of people. People then were tougher and more hardheaded and more thickskinned than they are now, so very few were seriously injured or embarassed as they acquired year-long lumps or bumps on their cranium. Indeed, it was a kind of badge of honor to have survived the midnight slaughter.

New Year's Eve and Adam

It was last night (New Year's Eve) when Jonka said to me, "Remember to set the alarm. We have to go to church in the morning."

"To church? Why?" I asked.

"Don't be stupid; it's New Year's tomorrow," she said.

"Whoa, little woman," I replied, "you're not the licensed theologian here. The Church doesn't celebrate the non-religious calendar event of the change of year. And I ain't going to church."

"You pagan," she shouted, "set the alarm. I'm certainly going, if you're not! It's something . . . it's, it's the Solemnity of Mary tomorrow."

"Yeah, right," I retorted. "Just what we need: another holyday devoted to Mary when two of the annual five already are dedicated to her and a third---Christmas--already properly involves her. Okay, then. While I'm at it, I have to set the clock ahead one hour for the new year."

"Whatever," she muttered as she walked away.

So this morning Jonka arose at the alarm and went to church. Of course, she had to wait an extra hour for the service to begin. I'm sure she was confused. I wonder what she did to kill time. Probably prayed for me.