Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I'm a Humanities Major

Yesterday I took an employment test with the food department of my local Walmart Store. The lady supervisor said that I failed the test when I incorrectly answered its last question, "Take two apples from three apples. What do you have?" I answered "one apple." Here I am in Seine, and I can't even work at Walmart.

-Old Gargoyle

Herrrrre's Eddie!

In honor of Ed McMahon, today I had a good second banana.

-Old Gargoyle

Saturday, June 27, 2009

But It's the Only One I Have

I watched the recent movie, "Perfume," last night. It's the kind of film I like---unusual, unpredictable---and was a critical hit though, as with many such non-formula movies, not a commercial hit. It was set in 18th-century France, and one scene involved an ax-wielding excutioner about to do his "heady" duty toward his prisoner. The prisoner was, of course, trembling and sweating. At that point, I wanted to put the words into the excutioner's mouth, "Not to worry---you just have a case of separation anxiety."

-Old Gargoyle

Where's My Glove?

I'll be on my driveway for awhile practicing my moonwalk.

-Old Gargoyle

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Come Hell or High Water

Speaking of global warming: One of the most-common scenes in cartoons features one or two people shipwrecked on a tiny, one-coconut-tree island. But when the rise in sea level will almost completely engulf the island, how will the cartoonist handle that?

-Old Gargoyle

Monday, June 22, 2009

Invisible Rays

Another spring and now another summer of weird, extreme weather! If we're not into wacky climate changes because of global warming, then Al Gore is a Republican. This weather is caused, I think, by---as my father-in-law used to say---all those damn satellites shot up into the sky around the Earth.

-Old Gargoyle

The Nose Knows

Ahh, summertime. Summer, in addition to spring, used to be a special time for house cleaning in the old days. I miss the smells of yesteryear: Octogon soap, Pine Oil cleanser, pig lard, moth balls, Old Spice lotion and deodorant, etc. Americans today are too odor-fearful.

-Old Gargoyle

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Too Late

I bet the one food which must be served at the reception following every planned, social wedding is cantaloupe.

-Old Gargoyle

Sound of Silence

Jonka and I visited friends, a couple, at their house last evening. The man is deaf, but the wife is not. They began arguing in the adjacent, semi-dark kitchen which was within our view. He was very angry, scowling, red-faced, making wild and rapid sign-language gestures at her. She kept sputtering, "But . . . but . . . but . . ." until she had enough, simply flipped the kitchen lightswitch off, and walked away.

-Old Gargoyle

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Will He Able To Watch Sports on a TV Set?

I read that Cleveland Browns football star Donte' Stallworth has been convicted of manslaughter while driving drunk. His sentence? A whopping 30 days in prison! Thirty days! The Washington Redskins' player who was convicted of conducting dog fights served, what, a year or two in jail. Goddamn dogs are worth more than a human's life in this country? Being drunk or under the influence of illegal drugs or being a celebrity almost totally excuses any illegal act in this country?

As my blog below, "Don't Mess with Me," concludes: "Football players are special people."

-Old Gargoyle

Monday, June 15, 2009

Peel Away

I love these recent headlines from "The Onion":

"Olympist Shawn Johnson Euthanized after Breaking Leg"

"Bored Predator Drone Pumps a Few Rounds into Mountain Goat"

-Old Gargoyle

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Always Smell the Tooth

"Grandpa, what does 'Always smell the tooth' mean?" my young grandchild asked me.

"What?" I replied, "On what topic is your interrogatory, youngster?"

"What?" the grandchild said. "What does 'Always smell the tooth' mean? Mom and Dad told me, 'Always smell the tooth.'"

"Ha," I answered, "your aural system misappropriated their words. The parental units told you, 'Always tell the truth.' You should do that but always with the proper jesuitical application."

"What?" grandchild said, then walked away.

But my answer to grandchild triggered my memory. "Tell the Truth"---man, I haven't heard that song in years. I think the rock-pop singers who have been the most successful in using electrifying but melodic screaming in some of their songs have been---no, not Liza Minnelli---but Ray Charles, Joe Cocker, and Janis Joplin. Cocker was influenced, of course, by Charles; Joplin too probably was. But it's Ray's "Tell the Truth" which, I think, has the most powerful, melodic screaming in a song. It's not a well-known work; as far as I can tell, he recorded it only once, that at a live concert in Atlanta around 1956. What a soul-shaking piece! Try to find and listen it . . . if I'm telling the truth.

-Old Gargoyle


Friday, June 12, 2009

Comfort Food

I was comfortable in my easy chair watching alternately "Cops" and "Millionaire Matchmaker" when the little woman shouted at me from the kitchen, "Did you clean the garage yet?"

"Let me ask you this, Jonka," I replied: "If a garage is a mess, and no one sees it, is it still a mess?"

"Let me ask you this," she retorted: "If an old man is hungry, and no one feeds him, is he still hungry?"

"I'll be in the garage. Call me when supper is ready," I said.

-Old Gargoyle

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Scientific Method

Isaac Newton certainly had a scientific outlook. So when the apple fell, hit him atop his head, rolled onto the bug-filled ground, and he looked at it, I wonder if he observed or violated the five-second rule.

-Old Gargoyle

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Ole'

The little woman and I were sorting and folding clothes at a poverty-help drive the other day. A kind of modified Spanish or Mexican bullfighter's uniform in the box caught my eye---a nice black thing with silver ornaments. With no one noticing, I quietly set it aside.

When we reached home, Jonka had to leave for the store to buy my weekly supply of bacon, eggs, cane syrup, Blue Bell, and Digel. After she left the house, I donned the uniform I had swiped, and drove to the shopping center. When I entered the jewelry-china store, the women clerks screamed, some of them heading for the back, but two of them rushing to and anxiously peering out the front window.

-Old Gargoyle

Triple Crown (of Thorns)

When she was a single young girl, my mother sometimes would work caring for race horses. This would add a bit to her family's income. When he was a single young man, my father sometimes would work riding and breaking in wild horses. This added some to his family's income.

As I continue in this tradition, I annually watch the Kentucky Derby, Preakness, and Belmont Stakes on television, betting and losing huge amounts of my family's income.

-Old Gargoyle

Monday, June 8, 2009

She Shares the Same Birthday with Me

Since I've been in Seine, life has been dull, dull, dull. After watching the grass grow and the cows walk up and down the meadows here, dusk finally fell. Hey, the Tony Awards on television---a chance for a little entertainment and a chance to see what has been going down on Broadway. Then, as fast as you can say, "Oprah" or "Rosie"---wham, in my face on the Tonys stage is Liza Minnelli. Dear Mother of God, would someone do both Liza Minnelli and the audience a huge favor, and tell her it's time to silence the pipes, it's time to return the rags to wardrobe, it's time to swallow the last pills from the bottle---in short, it's time TO RETIRE! Someone, please pull the microphone plug on this woman! Julian in New York, can you help us here?

-Old Gargoyle

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Prisoner's Prayer

President Obama wants to close Gitmo Prison in Cuba, though he's not sure where to send all of its terrorist prisoners. Most U.S. states which responded to him don't want those prisoners anywhere near their back yard. Strange, in light of the fact that their state prisons always have held notorious murderers and schemers, etc. But one state, Montana, says it eagerly wants those Gitmo guttearers in its own state penitentiary.

Well, why not? Can you picture it? It would be so good for Montana tourism and local business. The local towns could hold an annual "terrorist-roundup days" festival each summer. Montana winters are cold as hell (assuming hell is ice cold), and those terrorists aren't used to that kind of weather. The tourist crowd and media could gather at the gate of the Montana prison each February, and await the controlled exit of one select prisoner. If he would immediately see his shadow, then the locals and the prisoners would know that they're in for six more weeks of winter. And so on.

-Old Gargoyle

Reflection on Sunday, June 7

Well, as I feared, my homilist on Pentecost Sunday was unsatisfactory. He didn't mention the important parallel between the Tower of Babel story in the Old Testament and the Pentecost Story, didn't mention, much less describe, the extraordinary gifts of the Holy Spirit, etc. He went straight to a practical-moralistic application of the so-called ordinary gifts of the Spirit, a focus on the private-individualistic aspects of spirituality despite the profound public-communal aspects of Pentecost itself.

Today's homilist was another disappointment. When he began by saying, "We can't understand or explain the Trinity. It's the greatest mystery ever," I grit my teeth and gripped my pew, because I was reminded of what I tell my students:

"Remember," I say to them, "when in a previous religion course you asked your teacher to explain the Trinity, and he or she always replied, "We can't; it's a mystery. Let's move on"? Well, it was "Here we go again" with my homilist, because, on the contrary, I myself in the classroom DO give some basic philosophical and social-psychological analysis on the reason for or meaningfulness of the doctrine of three Persons in one God.

My homilist attempted a very brief commentary on the Trinity by citing the creed of the Council of Nicea, which defines God the Father and God the Son as "consubstantial." Fine, but that creed barely mentions, and does not define, God the Holy Spirit. Then he mentioned St. Patrick converting the pagans in Ireland to Christianity by Patrick's illustration of the similarity of a shamrock to the Trinity. Fine, visual-aid power, I guess. But then the homilist, as I expected, quickly reverted to an easy practical-moralistic application of "living the Trinity."

Now I'm left wondering why we don't have, say, two, four, or six, etc. Persons in the Trinity.

-Old Gargoyle


Saturday, June 6, 2009

Camera---Action!

Because I like films, especially the quirky, unusual, or indie ones, I joined a movie club. The members as a group see one to three flicks each month, and discuss them after each viewing. So far I've attended the showings of "Religiosus" (I forget its exact spelling) and "The Brothers Bloom."

At the discussion of "Religiosus," I pointed out the movie's strengths and weaknesses, which I mentioned in an earlier blog below. "The Brothers Bloom" was a delightful, comedic con story. When I said to the group that I was surprised that Maximilian Schell appeared in it (a supporting role in which I didn't even recognize it was he), because I thought he had died or retired, the group said, "Max who?" That's when I realized that I was the oldest member in this club group. But their apparent disdain for me was reserved for what happened only fifteen minutes into the film. Young Michelle (a bleached blond, as far as I could tell) had been sitting next to me. She had made a few movements to eat and drink her refreshments and to open her purse, when suddenly she gathered all her items, and rushed out the theater, not to return to us for the rest of the evening. I'm convinced the group thought that I had quietly molested Michelle, accounting for her abrupt departure. Thank goodness a couple of days later she e-mailed all the members to say that she received a silent message, right after the movie began, saying her friend had gone into labor, so Michelle had decided to go quickly to her car.

I hope our next group movie isn't "My Life in Ruins," or "Drag Me to Hell," or "Hangover."

-Old Gargoyle