Jetfibs and Julpartels

From the Bad Guesses Department:
British-tv host Eamonn Holmes: "What travels at three-hundred million miles a second?"
Contestant: "A cheetah."

From the We Prefer the Wild Ones Department:
"Do a Civilized Tourist: Create the Civilized Tourist Spot" (from a public sign in China)

From the Very Helpful Customer-Service Department:
"It will either be done before 5:00 tonight or after 5:00 tonight" (service rep at Verizon to customer Michael McHugh)