Go Midwest, Young Man

I just returned from the Midwest where I attended conferences in the attempt to bolster lagging sales for my beets and squash crops. I also tried to do some cultural siteseeing. I say "tried," because that wasn't so successful. In Minneapolis, e.g., I wanted to see "the land of a thousand lakes," but the lake-tour bus I took showed us only six. The tour driver was not at all cooperative in honoring my demand for my money back. When I further complained, he offered to sell me a ticket for the next bus to Wobegone, Minnesota. I didnt' want to see Wobegone. Next in Dubuque, Iowa, a pleasant small city on hills, called "the San Francisco of the Midwest," I was anxious to meet the famous "little old lady from Dubuque." When I asked some locals about her, they directed me to a residence which turned out to be that of the city's retired Catholic archbishop. Very funny. On to rural Iowa where I tried to track down the famous "Field of Dreams"; where I was led to, instead, was a large field which contained only a dumb ten-foot-high, "world's largest" ball of string.

I hopped a bus to Chicago to experience "the Windy City," and found it to be merely calm and cold. I hit the road then to downstate Peoria to its one and only performance theater to see how well the touring "Phantom of the Opera" would "play in Peoria." Alas, the theater recently had been burned down by some phantom arsonist. Down to St Louis where I anticipated meeting the famous "St Louis Woman." When I inquired about her on the streets, a guy in a large hat and a long coat brought to me not one but two "St Louis women," as he called them---but for a price.

Back to Delaware where I think I'll stay for a while. Things seem to be a little more exciting here.