What Remains? A Frozen Hell?

Whew! I was having my late-morning coffee in the kitchen when the little woman a few minutes ago came running into the house screaming, "Pigs! They're pigs! For God's sake, come see now!"

I went to the back porch where I could clearly see a herd(?) of pigs with wings flying overhead and toward the south!

"Call the police! Call 911!" shouted Jonka, as she was becoming more and more hysterical.

However, being older and wiser than she, I simply said, "Calm down, little woman. Yes, we saw what we saw---but think: a Republican in Massachusetts has won a U.S. Senate seat, and the Saints are in the Super Bowl."

Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen

It seems to me that the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints, in order to save so much time, expense, and physical abuse, could go straight into arbitration (federal, I assume) to resolve their dispute.

Who's That Old Guy on a Bike?

The Dover newspaper office is reconsidering my application to be a newspaper home-delivery boy, and is asking me for personal references. Because I've been pretty much personally abandoned, I referred the office to the hundreds of friends and "friends" on my Facebook site. That should do it.

The Quiet Man

I was sitting in my easy chair quietly reading a newspaper when Jonka asked me, "Garg, what are your plans for today?"

"You know," I replied, "there's an old saying that all the problems of the world arise from man's inability to sit still in a quiet room for a long time."

"So you're just gonna sit there all day?" she snapped.

"Well, SOMEBODY has to solve the world's problems," I answered.

Drangs and Delozzes

From the Knowledgeable Fans Department:
"I'm a really big Elvis fan, and I think the real reason my dance group did the whole Elvis thing is because, you know, he's from Vegas." (pop singer Britney Spears)

From the Oh, Yes, Hello? Department:
"I will conduct a respectful debate. Now, it will be dispirited---it will spirited---because there are stark differences. I am a proud conservative, liberal Republi---conservative Republican---hello? Easy there." (Sen. John McCain while campaigning for the presidency in 2008)

From the Unusual Claimants Department:
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front of me, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other eye on the car behind." (a client's writing on his insurance-claim form)

Trying To Tell Me Something?

"You know," the little woman said to me, "all that stuff in your pockets gives you a bulky look."

So I removed a wallet, two sets of keys, ten coins, a nailclipper, four Tootsie Rolls, two handkerchiefs, a pocketknife, a roll of mints, four store receipts, a bottle of hand cleanser, a compass, and a small notepad from my pockets. "There," I said, "how's that?"

"Nope," she replied, "you still look bulky."

Sacre' Bleu!

If you're looking for an agency to which to give a donation for aid to the victims of Haiti, consider Catholic Relief Services, annually rated among the top three most-efficient charitable organizations in the U.S.

-Old Gargoyle