My Heart (and Nose) Is in Dixie

The American Lung Association has announced its list of the ten metropolitan areas in the U.S. with the dirtiest air and some with the cleanist. Nowhere on the dirty list do I see my area of Aheadofrepoman, Delaware. What's the matter with these lung people? Don't they visit Delaware? (I know, I know, no one in his right mind ever visits Delaware.) Every morning I sniff to the north and smell the foul air coming from the chemical factories at Wilmington. I sniff to the north and the east and smell the foul air saturated with the odor of rotting, Mafia-erased bodies from New York City's East River and from New Jersey. I sniff to the west and the south and smell the "fowl" air from the chicken and turkey farms and the fireworks factories of downstate Delaware and nearby Maryland. What does it take to convince the A.L.A.---an Association president with the nose of Jimmy Durante?

The cleanest-air metro area is Fargo, North Dakota. Fargo? If snow and sleet are always in the air around Fargo, how can any odor develop? Simply not fair. I vote for Magnolia, Mississippi. Ahh, what's a more-pleasant smell than the lemony magnolia flower? And, Lord knows, Magnolia, Mississippi could use some recognition.

-Old Gargoyle