London Fog

I'm surprised to receive an invitation to the royal wedding in London in April. I guess it's because of my activities as a member of the Monarchial Society of America or the Luddite Society, the latter which is headquartered in Leeds, England and is a favorite of Prince Charles. Wish me luck.

Milkman

I swear to God he's crazy. Neighbor Emory and I went to the marsh to do some duck hunting. On our way we passed through a pasture. Suddenly Emory turned and blasted apart two cows with his shotgun. "Why in the hell did you do that?" I screamed.

"Why? Because I'm extremely lactose intolerant, that's why."

Maleman

"Where are you going dressed like that?" the little woman asked me.

"Out to get the mail," I replied.

"You can't go outside in just your bathrobe at this time of day. What will the neighbors think?" she continued.

"It'll probably down on them that our mail doesn't walk itself into the house," I answered.

Stay Home from Work

I couldn't believe it. When I arrived early at the courtroom for my disturbance-of-the-peace hearing, I found myself in the tail end of an earlier death-sentence appeal.

"Clemency is denied," said the judge, "the prisoner is condemned to death."

"When should the sentence be implemented, Your Honor?" asked the attorney.

"What was Mr. Brown's occupation?" the judge responded.

"He was a cable-tv installer, Your Honor."

"In that case, he will be executed someday next week and sometime between 8:am and 5:pm."

Prince of Reruns?

I'm devoted to the adventures and trials of Val in the comic strip, "Prince Valiant," but, doggone it, it seems lately that the drawn stories are identical to the ones I was reading in the 1950s.

It'll Also Be Able To See Russia

The super computer named Watson this week defeated two human experts on tv's "Jeopardy." It won tens of thousands of dollars, which were donated to charity. I hear that Watson's handlers now are perfecting another computer, the Palin 2012, which won't be able to answer many questions correctly, but which will be paid at least half-a-million dollars per answer.

Use Your Sleeve

I caught a rerun of the movie, "Edward Scissorhands." It made me wonder how Edward handles his own coughs and sneezes.