"Kapow, Alice, Right to the Moon!"

"I really embarrassed myself at the town-hall meeting last night," I told the little woman. "I shot myself in the foot several times."

"Maybe aim higher next time," she replied.

Long Live(r) Otto

Today is the commemorative death day of my Uncle Otto. I always liked Uncle Otto. He was kind of any early health nut. He took Carter's little liver pills all his life. When he died, they had to beat his liver to death.

Was He Wearing His Seat Belt?

The new owner of the company which makes the Segway one-person transporters has died. He fell from a cliff in England while riding his Segway. That's sad, but let's face it, folks, that's also darn funny.

Have a Heart

Weird and baffling, my dream last night. In it, the four cardinal virtues, the three theological virtues, the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven deadly sins, the three extraordinary spiritual charisma, and the seven corporal works of mercy were engaged in a round-robin tournament of poker or some similar card game. You can imagine which won---and the consequences of that victory.

Veni, vidi, vincit

Has any of you readers (I know "Has" sounds awkward, and you want to see "Have," but "any" is singular, not plural) studied Latin? I need to know how to translate my motto into Latin. The motto is "Pills, not hugs."

Either Way, You Gotta Fight

Instead of going to the movie theater as I told the little woman, I decided to visit the new martial-arts studio in town, as I could use a little conditioning, a little loosening up. Boy, was I surprised at the tools and techniques used at that studio, not at all what I imagined it would be like.

When I returned home a couple of hours later, Jonka asked, "So how was your movie?"

"Didn't see it," I replied, "I decided to check out that new martial-arts studio on main street."

"What martial-arts studio?" she asked.

"The one next to the In Seine Cafe," I said.

"You idiot," Jonka anwered, "you misread their sign. That's not a martial-arts studio---it's a marital-arts studio."

Power of the Pen (and the Match)

My new book, "Delaware Punch Drunk," appears in bookstores on Oct. 1. Please look for it and buy it. No need to read it. Just buy it, then burn it. If you don't, the terrorists win.