Sooner or Later

A headline from "The Onion," which I like: "Woman Dies of Lost Cell Phone."

-Old Gargoyle

Looks Familiar

When did "Mad" Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman grow up and become the Governor of Illlinois?

-Old Gargoyle

Mooody

It's official---I have mad-cow's disease. What a way to start 2009! I guess Denny Crain (on "Boston Legal") and I now have something in common. But, seriously, my bellowing strongly bothers the little woman.

-Old Gargoyle

Vati Can or Can't?

A few years ago, just for the heck of it, I wrote three different congregations (departments) in the Vatican asking for a job. A couple of things about their replies surprised me. First, the "slowpoke" Vatican took only two weeks to reply. The three departments said they had no openings, but still asked me if I could speak and write languages other than English (it still helps to know foreign languages, especially Italian, to work at the big show). Second, remember that the "medieval" Vatican was years ahead of similar central religious headquarters---e.g., America's National Council of Churches in Washington, the World Council of Churches in Geneva, the Eastern Orthodox Ecumenical Patriarchate in Istanbul---in installing and widely using computers. Imagine my surprise, then, when each of the three replies arrived as as aerogram, that razor-thin, see-through, feather-light, cheap paper which is simply folded into its own envelope and stamped. Moreover, the reply on each aerogram was typed on an old-fashioned MANUAL typewriter, the kind whose keys leave the imprinted words half-broken and uneven on the lines. Yet each reply was polite, apologetic, articulate, and typed and signed by a nun secretary. What is this? I asked myself. I imagined these nuns in small, cramped, dark offices opening business mail hour after hour, and producing their replies on dingy, 1950ish typewriters, while the monsignors and bishops in their large offices down the hall had access to florescent lighting and 2000ish computers. Well, at least there were, I can safely assume, no dumb blonds among the former.

-Old Gargoyle

Answering the Call

When I answer my telephone, I say logically only "Proceed." The caller always is temporarily confused or silent. How did he or she expect me to answer---by using some strange word whose etymology has to do with eternal damnation?

-Old Gargoyle

Birds of (or without) a Feather?

I decided to do it when I walked out the department store. I had gone into it to do one of my several returns of Christmas gifts (I enjoy giving hassle to the clerks, and like receiving the cash in return). Anyway, when I stepped back out to the store's front door, I looked up and pointed up into the sky, saying loudly enough for passerby customers to hear me, "Hey, look at those dead birds. Awww, more dead birds---poor things---must be the winter." Those customers, of course, kept looking into the sky trying to see the "dead birds." I resumed my walk to my car, and departed.

-Old Gargoyle

Language 5: No Free Lunch

I'm refusing any more from store clerks, from stores via the mail, etc. I'm sick and tired of being offered or sent "free gifts." Jeez, has anyone ever heard of an unfree gift? A gift by definition is and must be free. "Gift" itself is from the Latin "gratus" ("free," "grace" [i.e., unearned; no cost] ). Just offer or give me a gift, okay? Which in turn reminds me of the violation of "gratuity" on my restaurant-meal bill. Some restaurants charge me a MANDATORY 10 or 15 percent "gratuity." Damnit, change its name, then, from "gratuity" or "tip" to "tax"---it's then a TAX. And, waiter, just don't you dare give me a "free gift" with my mandatory-tip meal bill.

-Old Gargoyle