Have a Heart

Weird and baffling, my dream last night. In it, the four cardinal virtues, the three theological virtues, the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven deadly sins, the three extraordinary spiritual charisma, and the seven corporal works of mercy were engaged in a round-robin tournament of poker or some similar card game. You can imagine which won---and the consequences of that victory.

Veni, vidi, vincit

Has any of you readers (I know "Has" sounds awkward, and you want to see "Have," but "any" is singular, not plural) studied Latin? I need to know how to translate my motto into Latin. The motto is "Pills, not hugs."

Either Way, You Gotta Fight

Instead of going to the movie theater as I told the little woman, I decided to visit the new martial-arts studio in town, as I could use a little conditioning, a little loosening up. Boy, was I surprised at the tools and techniques used at that studio, not at all what I imagined it would be like.

When I returned home a couple of hours later, Jonka asked, "So how was your movie?"

"Didn't see it," I replied, "I decided to check out that new martial-arts studio on main street."

"What martial-arts studio?" she asked.

"The one next to the In Seine Cafe," I said.

"You idiot," Jonka anwered, "you misread their sign. That's not a martial-arts studio---it's a marital-arts studio."

Power of the Pen (and the Match)

My new book, "Delaware Punch Drunk," appears in bookstores on Oct. 1. Please look for it and buy it. No need to read it. Just buy it, then burn it. If you don't, the terrorists win.

A Gargoyle's Prayer

Let us pray: Dear Lord, may we see Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Snooki of "Jersey Shore" (required to become a bleached blond like the other two) all ordered into the same jail cell to do time, with the consequences filmed for YouTube.

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble

The little woman and I commemorated our wedding anniversary with a leisurely dinner at a Melting Pot (an apt name, I think, in relation to a marriage) restaurant. I like to "put on" store clerks and restaurant waitresses (it gives me a fleeting but needed feeling of superiority, I guess).

So at the Melting Pot, I badgered the maitre d' about the real name of her restaurant. "Are you sure it isn't 'Melting Spot'?" I asked her several times. Lo and behold if she didn't finally glance at the large, official sign on the wall behind her, the sign with the logos of the restaurant which she had read hundreds of times, to make sure that she was or wasn't working for "Melting Spot."

Then with our waitress I persisted several times, "Are you sure this restaurant isn't named 'Smelting Pot'?" She too eventually double-checked her menu and her shirt tag to make sure she was or wasn't working for "Smelting Pot."

However, unlike that English-speaking Mexican-woman sportswriter who was recently "embarrassed" by what she saw when she entered the (men's) players' locker room after their N.F.L. game, and who had to appear scantily clad on several tv talk shows to complaint about it, the restaurant supervisor and the waitress weren't bleached blonds.

A+

Ever notice that every year in the past two or so decades tuition at public and private colleges rise at an annual rate higher than the national cost of living? I was pleased to read a recent national opinion article (whose name I unfortunately forget) describing the reasons for this, namely, the three a's: athletics, administration, amenities (which apply too to many high schools).

Too many colleges arbitrarily have doubled the number of players on their sports teams, increasing the need for more equipment and more coaches, increasing the number of their games and fancy travel arrangements, plush stadiums, etc. The number of administrators and staff persons at many colleges now match the number of instructors. Almost every "need" of students for their "self-image and happiness" now has to be met with some special program and staff. And "the manner of living to which the students have been accustomed" has to be met in the form of, e.g., effete cafeteria food such as sushi and wild nuts, niches or small rooms with cots in hallways for students to nap between classes, etc. All of this greatly increases cost and spending without having any direct, substantial, positive affect on students' learning, while at the same time diverting money from the hiring of more competent instructors and providing them with needed classroom supplies.

Meanwhile, as studies over the past decades consistently show, typical high-school or college graduates today have less general knowledge and poorer vocabulary and communication skills than their parents and grandparents of yesteryear. (I'm reminded of the latest college at which I taught: in one week I saw three separate students, who were tweeting on their electronic playmates, walk face-first right into posts.)