I'll Change Your F to a B-

Texas is on the verge of legally allowing college students to carry handguns into their classrooms. Dozens of students, some who live in the fantasy land of violent video games, some who are angered over bad grades, some who are emotionally devastated over sour romance, some who are desperate for social recognition---and of them carrying deadly weapons---just what America's college and high-school teachers love to face each day. Isn't America great?

Hear Ye (Sob)!

Rep. John Boehner in Washington via the U.S. House and Meatloaf in New York via "Celebrity Apprentice" give new meaning to the old role called "town crier."

Like a Mighty Oak

"What's that stuff you're eating, Grandpa?" my grandson asked.

"Oakmeal. You want some?" I replied.

"Don't you mean OATmeal?" he said.

"Nope. Oatmeal is for wimps. This is OAKmeal. Try it. It's like eating a tree. It'll put hair on your chest."

"No thanks," he said as he walked away.

"Old man, you should be ashamed of yourself," the little woman then said to me.

"Yeah," I answered, "but I hate sharing my oatmeal."

Goodnight, Sweet Prince

It's just too much of a coincidence. I suspect Osama Bin Laden's location became known to the U.S. military when he insisted upon a satellite-tv installation in order to watch the recent royal wedding.

The Tie That Doesn't Bind

Arrggh! I don't believe it! After three weeks of eating English gruel and of sleeping on the cold, hard ground of public parks in that country and waiting, waiting, came the dreaded midnight knock on the door. Three bobbies appeared, confiscating my invitation to Westminster Abbey and telling me that, because of my brief arrest last week for driving in my rented car on the "wrong" (right) side of the road in Bristol, my "kind of American" was no longer welcome. So they drove me to the airport and put me on an early flight back to the U.S. I'm MISSING the royal wedding!

Bird Alight

What's with these gigantic, bird-and-nest, satellite-dish-tv hats which English women wear? I swear, if one of those head-engorging monstrosities blocks my view of the royal couple during the wedding ceremony in the abbey, I'm going to set it afire with my lighter.

"Left" in Jail

I don't appreciate spending six hours in jail here in England for driving on the "wrong" side of the road in my rented car. I blame it on the warm, heavy British beer. The bobbie blamed it on my arrogant ignorance. I blamed it on my arrogant ignorance of warm, heavy British beer.