Ye Old Gargoyle

I'll Change Your F to a B-

2011-05-12T07:10:00.000-07:00

Texas is on the verge of legally allowing college students to carry handguns into their classrooms. Dozens of students, some who live in the fantasy land of violent video games, some who are angered over bad grades, some who are emotionally devastated over sour romance, some who are desperate for social recognition---and of them carrying deadly weapons---just what America's college and high-school teachers love to face each day. Isn't America great?

Hear Ye (Sob)!

2011-05-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

Rep. John Boehner in Washington via the U.S. House and Meatloaf in New York via "Celebrity Apprentice" give new meaning to the old role called "town crier."

Like a Mighty Oak

2011-05-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

"What's that stuff you're eating, Grandpa?" my grandson asked.

"Oakmeal. You want some?" I replied.

"Don't you mean OATmeal?" he said.

"Nope. Oatmeal is for wimps. This is OAKmeal. Try it. It's like eating a tree. It'll put hair on your chest."

"No thanks," he said as he walked away.

"Old man, you should be ashamed of yourself," the little woman then said to me.

"Yeah," I answered, "but I hate sharing my oatmeal."

Goodnight, Sweet Prince

2011-05-02T07:15:00.000-07:00

It's just too much of a coincidence. I suspect Osama Bin Laden's location became known to the U.S. military when he insisted upon a satellite-tv installation in order to watch the recent royal wedding.

The Tie That Doesn't Bind

2011-04-30T09:26:00.001-07:00

Arrggh! I don't believe it! After three weeks of eating English gruel and of sleeping on the cold, hard ground of public parks in that country and waiting, waiting, came the dreaded midnight knock on the door. Three bobbies appeared, confiscating my invitation to Westminster Abbey and telling me that, because of my brief arrest last week for driving in my rented car on the "wrong" (right) side of the road in Bristol, my "kind of American" was no longer welcome. So they drove me to the airport and put me on an early flight back to the U.S. I'm MISSING the royal wedding!

Bird Alight

2011-04-30T09:24:00.001-07:00

What's with these gigantic, bird-and-nest, satellite-dish-tv hats which English women wear? I swear, if one of those head-engorging monstrosities blocks my view of the royal couple during the wedding ceremony in the abbey, I'm going to set it afire with my lighter.

"Left" in Jail

2011-04-18T06:24:00.000-07:00

I don't appreciate spending six hours in jail here in England for driving on the "wrong" side of the road in my rented car. I blame it on the warm, heavy British beer. The bobbie blamed it on my arrogant ignorance. I blamed it on my arrogant ignorance of warm, heavy British beer.

President J. C.

2011-04-11T18:22:00.000-07:00

I saw this sign of a street-corner man on my way to the airport: "Obama is not a brown-skinned, anti-war socialist who gives away free health care. You're thinking of Jesus."

Wiggles

2011-04-11T18:20:00.000-07:00

I'm on my way to the royal wedding in London (remember, I received an invitation to it because of my work in the U.S. on Prince Charles' Monarchical Society and Luddite Society). I hope I'm allowed to wear and break-in my powdered wig on the airplane flight.

A Sweet Problem

2011-04-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

Arrgh! Now comes the national news that Canadian and New England maple syrup is much better for you than previously thought; its an excellent antioxidant and heart-disease fighter. And here I sit stuck with sixteen cases of sugar-cane syrup imported from South Louisiana. I can't give that stuff away---not even the poor or homeless want it.

Cow Town

2011-03-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

I think I know why Gary Busey acts the way he does on tv's "Celebrity Apprentice." Like me, he apparently has mad-cow disease. It's just a matter of time, I think, before we see him in the middle of Times Square bellowing loudly and trying to graze on grass---as I did once.

Dim Romance

2011-03-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

Neighbor Emory's relatives are as loony as he. When his niece visited him, he and I asked her, "We haven't seen this new boyfriend of yours whom you've been dating for six months. When do we get to see him? How did you two meet?"

She simply replied, "We met on ghostharmony.com."

100 minus 50 = 0

2011-03-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

I decided to try to help my granddaughter who's learning her higher numbers. "If I want you to break this $100 bill," I said as I handed it to her, "what you would give me back?"

She promptly tore the bill in half and gave the half to me answering, "Fifty dollars?"

Flower Girl

2011-03-26T11:10:00.001-07:00

The little woman is off with a few friends to the big spring-flowers show downtown. She lives and breaths flowers and gardens. My funeral will say, "In lieu of flowers, please give a donation to charity," whereas Jonka's will say, "In lieu of a donation to charity, please give flowers."

Money Talks

2011-03-24T17:34:00.001-07:00

Johnny Cash, Ray Charles, Dom DeLuise, Marilyn Monroe, Bill Clinton, Lash LaRue, James Brown, Frank Sinatra, Mike Tyson, Ho Chi Minh, Bobby Sox, Phil Donahue, Hubert Humphrey, Jean-Paul Sartre, Al Pacino, Bob Seger, Chuck Roast, Jeffrey Dalmer, Lady Gaga---these are some of the names with which I've signed my credit-card purchases at various stores and restaurants. Not a single clerk or waitress had the least concern about my signature nor for financial rules, not unlike the Wall Street traders who have no concern for financial regulations of their own actions. God help our economy and our money.

Wiseass

2011-03-23T15:56:00.000-07:00

"I have to write a report for school about the wisest person I know," my granddaughter said to me.

"Well," I said, "I don't like to brag, but I'm sort of known for my wiseness. In fact, it's been said that my wiseness is second to none."

"Isn't it called wisdom, not wiseness?" she countered.

I replied, "That's a common misconception of people who have a lesser degree of wisehoodness."

She walked away.

Randy, Gary, Charlie, Etc.

2011-03-21T16:32:00.000-07:00

Actor Randy Quaid, still in legal trouble, is still publicly promoting awareness of the "Hollywood Star Whackers," a group of thugs, he claims, which has murdered at least one Hollywood celebrity and seeks to terminate others, causing him to be constantly on the move. I certainly hope Randy succeeds actor Gary Busey on the next tv season of "Celebrity Apprentice."

Pie Are Round

2011-03-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

The recent St. Patrick Day reminds me that the roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I'm Toast

2011-03-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

The little woman is sardonic. She knows how much it irks me to hear when I'm on a business call, "Please continue to hold. Your call is important to us." So without me realizing what she did, she bought a new toaster for our kitchen. When I put slices of bread into it, then began banging it because it was taking too long, the recorded voice from the toaster began saying to me, "Please continue to hold. Your toast is important to us."

Finnish First

2011-03-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

At a time when American students are still falling behind the academic achievement of students in other countries, school districts in all fifty states are in financial crisis. Even Finland is overtaking other nations in student achievement. Finland's education minister, Bjrrk Lkrkpffjpp, predicts that in five years Finnish students will top everyone else. When that happens, I surely hope that Finland doesn't raid our American English alphabet and steal its vowels.

A Mooving Experience

2011-03-04T07:26:00.001-08:00

Now I have two new worries. I don't know what to wear to the royal wedding in April. And with the advent of spring brings a reactivation of my mad-cow disease. Jonka suggests that I wear a leather suit to London. Maybe so. I just hope that during the exchange of vows in Westminster Cathedral I don't suddenly burst out mooing.

London Fog

2011-02-24T13:17:00.000-08:00

I'm surprised to receive an invitation to the royal wedding in London in April. I guess it's because of my activities as a member of the Monarchial Society of America or the Luddite Society, the latter which is headquartered in Leeds, England and is a favorite of Prince Charles. Wish me luck.

Milkman

2011-02-22T13:01:00.001-08:00

I swear to God he's crazy. Neighbor Emory and I went to the marsh to do some duck hunting. On our way we passed through a pasture. Suddenly Emory turned and blasted apart two cows with his shotgun. "Why in the hell did you do that?" I screamed.

"Why? Because I'm extremely lactose intolerant, that's why."

Maleman

2011-02-22T08:22:00.000-08:00

"Where are you going dressed like that?" the little woman asked me.

"Out to get the mail," I replied.

"You can't go outside in just your bathrobe at this time of day. What will the neighbors think?" she continued.

"It'll probably down on them that our mail doesn't walk itself into the house," I answered.

Stay Home from Work

2011-02-22T08:16:00.000-08:00

I couldn't believe it. When I arrived early at the courtroom for my disturbance-of-the-peace hearing, I found myself in the tail end of an earlier death-sentence appeal.

"Clemency is denied," said the judge, "the prisoner is condemned to death."

"When should the sentence be implemented, Your Honor?" asked the attorney.

"What was Mr. Brown's occupation?" the judge responded.

"He was a cable-tv installer, Your Honor."

"In that case, he will be executed someday next week and sometime between 8:am and 5:pm."

Prince of Reruns?

2011-02-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

I'm devoted to the adventures and trials of Val in the comic strip, "Prince Valiant," but, doggone it, it seems lately that the drawn stories are identical to the ones I was reading in the 1950s.

It'll Also Be Able To See Russia

2011-02-19T09:39:00.000-08:00

The super computer named Watson this week defeated two human experts on tv's "Jeopardy." It won tens of thousands of dollars, which were donated to charity. I hear that Watson's handlers now are perfecting another computer, the Palin 2012, which won't be able to answer many questions correctly, but which will be paid at least half-a-million dollars per answer.

Use Your Sleeve

2011-02-19T07:57:00.001-08:00

I caught a rerun of the movie, "Edward Scissorhands." It made me wonder how Edward handles his own coughs and sneezes.

It's in the Stars

2011-02-18T08:33:00.000-08:00

So the zodiacal chart has been revised from twelve to thirteen signs because of new astronomical discoveries. If the famous Zodiac Killer in California, who never has been caught, has been preparing a comeback, he must be in an awful state of confusion.

That's Right

2011-02-14T07:42:00.001-08:00

I finally saw the current movie, "127 Hours." The main actor, James Franco, did a great job; he's nominated for an Oscar. I imagine that many young actors would've given their right arm for this role.

Who's the Fairest of Them All?

2011-02-14T07:41:00.001-08:00

Good luck on this Valentine Day to the husband in the tv show, "Big Love."

Blue Mona Lisa

2011-02-13T11:00:00.000-08:00

After my part-time winter job as a chimneysweep came to an end, I was lucky to join the famous Blue Man Group, the one which works out of Dover. But that lasted only two weeks. They fired me for smiling too much.

No One Is Irreplaceable

2011-02-12T07:31:00.000-08:00

Why is President Mubarek forced to resign but not the coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers?

The Queen's Speech

2011-02-12T07:30:00.000-08:00

Now if only Geoffrey Rush could teach Christine Aguilar how to sing the national anthem.

Life Is but a Stage

2011-02-11T13:14:00.000-08:00

The recent Oscar nominations again remind me of the four stages in an actor's career. Says the producer:

1st stage: "Who's Brad Pitt?"
2nd stage: "Get me Brad Pitt!"
3rd stage: "Get me a Brad Pitt-type!"
4th stage: "Who's Brad Pitt?"

Travel Light

2011-02-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

Neighbor Emory read that the federal government issued a travel warning in light of the recent extreme snowstorms. It calls for a shovel, blankets, 24 hours of food, de-icer, rock salt, flashlights, road flares, can of gasoline, booster cables, and first-aid kit. Emory is a dutiful citizen. He packed these things with him, but he was terribly embarrassed when he caught his ride on the city bus.

Safe and Unsound

2011-02-10T15:33:00.001-08:00

This afternoon the little woman said to me, "Where did I put that receipt from the jewelry store? I need to return these earrings."

"Beats me," I answered.

"I know I didn't throw it away. I remember putting it in a safe place. I just can't remember now where that safe place is!" she began screaming.

"Well," I said, "at least you can take comfort in knowing that it's safe."

Later she didn't cook me dinner.

A Good Read Anywhere

2011-02-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

The author, Albert Morrison, has published a new book in which he postulates intelligent creatures on other planets. He's having a book-signing session at the Seine library today. I think I'll attend and ask him on which of those planets people are still buying books.

Where's the Remote?

2011-02-07T11:30:00.001-08:00

Some new reality-tv shows I'd kill to see: "Overdue": 'Librarians compete to see who can be the quietest and the oldest.'" "The Emperor's New Cat": 'Contestants vie for the attention of a cat which inherited twenty-million dollars.'" "America's Next Environmental Disaster": 'Four drunk college students go in search of the next catastrophe.'"

The Sister I Never Had

2011-02-07T09:38:00.001-08:00

Valentine Day rapidly approaches. I guess the little woman will expect her usual flowers and chocolates. Which reminds me: Grandparents Day is a fairly new creation in our society, but the yet-newer Sibling Day is still not well known. I think I'll send my sister, who was an only child, a special card. Sibling Day is March 7. I hope she remembers me.

Lord Knows They Need It

2011-02-07T08:05:00.000-08:00

I'm going to take the $500 I won on the Super Bowl and give it to the "Please Give to the Corpulent Children in Grosse Pointe Fund." I invite you to do the same with any amount possible.

The Devil Made Me Do It

2011-02-07T06:26:00.001-08:00

I went to see "The Rite" hoping to learn something. I learned that the devil doesn't went me to go see Hollywood movies about exorcism.

The Three Pharoahs

2011-02-06T06:59:00.000-08:00

Egyptian President Mobarek uses his diminuitive name as, e.g., Eisenhower used "Ike." Mobarek's new vice president is Larituk, and his prime minister will be Shemparud. In other words, Egypt will be ruled by Mo, Lari, and Shemp.

Job Bowl

2011-02-05T13:29:00.001-08:00

So the Super Bowl features two teams whose mascots are named after large groups of out-of-job laborers, namely, butcher-meat packers and steel-factory workers. Why doesn't the N.F.L. just go ahead and change the names of other teams---thus the New England Empty-Net Fishermen, the Detroit Laid-Off Automakers, the New Orleans Katrina Survivors, the Seattle Former Aerospace Engineers, etc.?

Blood Brothers

2011-02-05T08:19:00.001-08:00

Because I'm addicted to "Two-and-a-Half Men," maybe I should be in rehab with Charlie Sheen.

Mamma Grizzly

2011-02-02T13:18:00.000-08:00

I really think that Sarah Palin (who remains as cute as a button) is really a Russian spy. After all, she wears Lenin-style eyeglasses and Red dresses and sweaters, and she identifies with and promotes the bear (the Russian symbol).

Who's the Rodent Here?

2011-02-02T13:15:00.000-08:00

My short drive with Emory from Seine to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania for the Groundhog Day festivity cost me a crunching $2,000. That's the fine I had to pay on behalf of that loony neighbor of mine. Emory didn't know what to expect at the festival. When the groundhog exited its hideaway, it startled Emory, who promptly pulled his pistol and shot the rodent dead. The video of this should hit YouTube by tonight.

Esoteric Optimism

2011-01-27T14:55:00.000-08:00

"[My] Omega Point Theory allows the key concepts of the Judeo-Christian-Islamic tradition now to be modern physics concepts: theology is nothing but physical cosmology based on the assumption that life as a whole is immortal. A consequence of this assumption is the resurrection of everyone who has ever lived to eternal life. Physics has now absorbed theology; the divorce between science and religion, between reason and emotion, is over. . . . Science can now offer precisely the consolations in facing death that religion once offered. Religion is now part of science." (from Frank Tipler, "The Physics of Immortality"; Tipler is professor of mathematical physics at Tulane University and an atheist)

Winter Blues and Whites

2011-01-27T12:08:00.000-08:00

My part-time winter job as a chimneysweep hasn't been going well. Just too much blasted snow on the roofs. In addition, of the few houses on which I was hired to work, four had their chimneys jammed not merely with soot but with items such as boxes of shoes, purses, etc. from the housewives who were hiding stuff from their husbands; three other chimneys were packed with old fireworks, some used but some dangerously still alive; and two others actually had in them the dead bodies of distant relatives who had come home for a surprise visit dressed like Santa Claus and with a chimney descent planned.

On the other hand, Seine is enjoying some good news despite its snowstorms. It seems that Quebec City, which celebrates its annual Bonhomme Winter Festival, envied the amount of snow and ice which my Delaware region has been receiving. Those wacky Frenchmen bought tons of the white stuff from us for their festival. Neighbor Emory and I almost broke our backs helping shovel the precious payload for deportation, and we made ourselves a little pocket money. Looks as if I won't have to go choking down any chimneys for a while.

Mirror, Mirror on the Hand

2011-01-26T17:29:00.000-08:00

A delightful joke I just read:

A young woman was speeding in her sports car when she was stopped by a policewoman. "Please show me your driver's license," the policewoman said to the driver.

"Yes, M'am. What does it look like?" the woman driver replied as she began fumbling in her purse.

"It's rectangular and it has your picture on it," the cop answered.

The driver kept digging in her purse until she found a small rectangular mirror. "Here," she said, giving it to the policewoman.

The cop looked in the mirror, then said, "Okay, Miss, you can go. I didn't realize you too are a police officer."

Yes, I'm afraid so: both women were bleached blonds.

Check Your Junk at the Door

2011-01-23T19:07:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess it was inevitable. After four months of attending the Hoarders Anonymous meetings at the vacant storefront building on main street in Seine, I can longer do so. It seems that after a dozen meetings there, members cannot enter the large room. Why not? You guessed it. They have overcrowded it with a four-foot-high pile of stuff resulting from all the crap they've brought to the meetings and deposited there.

Doctor Who

2011-01-23T18:53:00.000-08:00

"Upon the death of Pope Pius XII [in 1958], his personal physician, the quack, Dr. Galeazzi-Lisi, presented himself to the dean of the Sacred College of Cardinals, the French Cardinal Eugene Tisserant . . . and obtained permission to treat the late pontiff's remains. In an uncharacteristically uncritical move, Tisserant agreed to allow the physician to spray the papal corpse with a compound of resins, oils, and other chemicals which were supposed to produce a 'deoxidizing process' and prevent decay. The results were disastrous. The body decayed almost immediately and such a stench arose that the casket had to be lined with cellophane.

"During the transfer of the body back to Rome [from Castel Gadalfo] the hearse had to make repeated stops as its drivers were overcome by the odor emanating from the casket. During a stop at the St. John Lateran Basilica for a brief service, the seals on the casket exploded loudly just as the vice-gerent of Rome, the future Cardinal Luigi Traglia, intoned the ancient prayer, . . . 'May the angels lead you into paradise.' The pressure from the pope's badly embalmed body had blown the seals. Once the body reached the Vatican, artists were summoned to hastily make up the deteriorating remains so that they might be laid out in state." (from John-Peter Pham, "Heirs of the Fisherman")

We'll Need a Larger Lab

2011-01-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

A news report says that a team of six scientists in Japan claims that, using d.n.a. from the recently excavated remains of an ancient wooly mammoth, it will be able to create a living wooly mammoth in five or six years. Another report says that, coincidentally, those same scientists are the only six remaining persons in the world who never have seen "Jurassiac Park."

Support the Competition

2011-01-22T07:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not much of a reader of blogs, but I do recommend one for its mix of philosophical and practical wisdom: www.mainstreetmuse.blogspot.com.

And the Bands Played On

2011-01-21T09:24:00.000-08:00

A few of you readers have asked the Gargoyle about his favorite songs. So many, so many. Among the oldies which quickly come to mind are Ray Charles' "I'll Be Seeing You," "Drown in My Own Tears," and "Tell the Truth"; Brook Benton's "So Many Ways"; Bob Dylan's "Girl from the North Country" and "Visions of Johannah"; Rod Stewart's "Mandolin Wind"; Van Morrison's "These Are the Days" and "In the Garden"; Nana Mouskouri's "Even Now"; Jesse Winchester's "Yankee Lady"; Mickey Newbury's "The Piper," " Sweet Memory," and "East Kentucky."

Among the more recent are Leonard Cohen's "Alexandra Leaving" and "Take This Waltz"; Mark Cohn's "Silver Thunderbird"; Washboard Chaz' "Mother Died"; Ray LaMontagne's "Narrow Escape"; Danielle Messia's "La paradis des musiciens"; Laura Smith's "My Bonny."

I think heaven will consist of large auditoriums where you can attend your favorite kinds of music for all eternity---for free.

The Ritual

2011-01-21T09:23:00.001-08:00

Neighbor Emory received a repossession notice on his Buick. He's hiring Reverend Lee, the local fundamentalist preacher, to do a exorcism on it.

May 1st Flag Poles

2011-01-19T17:03:00.000-08:00

The Vatican has announced that it expects one million tourists from Poland to visit Rome for the beatification of Pope John Paul II on May 1. Well, I guess that answers the question, "How many Poles does it take to witness a beatification ceremony?"

Don't Tread on Me

2011-01-19T16:55:00.000-08:00

Almost every adult American owns and drives a vehicle, a very important and expensive item to him or her. He registers it and has it inspected annually at the government's instruction, and he pays insurance on it as required by the government in many states. Moreover, he's satisfied that the same government doesn't allow him to drive a military-type tank down the streets. The negative effects of all of this on his ownership and driving is almost negligible. And yet some of these drivers scream and complain to high heaven that it's "governmental socialism and takeover" to be disallowed or at least discouraged from buying military-type firearms and/or registering them---and being required to buy health insurance even from private insurance companies. Go figure.

Unlucky Thirteen

2011-01-19T16:52:00.000-08:00

Astrophysicists now say that, after recalculation of the latest cosmic data, we should have thirteen, not twelve, astrological signs. Dear Lord, the implications of chaos from this information! This means, for example, that the famous Zodiac Killer in California---apparently through no fault of his own---murdered several wrong people.

Dead or Alive

2011-01-18T19:12:00.000-08:00

I watched the recent Golden Globe Awards on tv. Host Rickey Gervais was saucy but fun. Actor Steve Buscemi---is he enbalmed?

And now the announcement that---gasp---my hero, Gary Busey, will be one of the contestants on Donald Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice." I predict he'll burn down the whole damn Trump Tower before that season's series ends.

Bon Appetit

2011-01-17T06:53:00.000-08:00

When I watch news-variety-talk programs on tv, and they have a segment in which the host receives a cooking lesson from a guest, I immediately change the channel. Can't stand those dumb segments. And yet . . . and yet I've discovered a food program proper on the Cooking Channel which keeps my eyes glued to the screen for the entire thirty minutes. It's the afternoon show, "French Chef at Home," starring the Eastern-Canadian chef, Miss Laura. Vavavoom! I just love watching Laura more than the delicate French meals she prepares. Now my kitchen pantry overflows with French stuff to Jonka's chagrin. Jonka says I subconsiously long for Julia Childs.

The Grit of Grace

2011-01-12T16:30:00.001-08:00

I'm impressed by a sentence toward the end of the voiceover which introduces the opening scene of the current movie, "True Grit." The voice, that of the girl in the film speaking in retrospect as an adult, quotes someone who has written, "Nothing is free except the grace of God."

I never much liked the Church's teaching of grace as something quantitative (on the popular level), that is, as an "amount" of holiness which rises and falls in one's soul, or as something ontological (on the scholarly level), that is, as a category of being insofar as it is "participation in the life of God." I prefer the commonsense(?) explanation of grace as something more experiential and qualitative, that is, simply but profoundly God's graciousness toward us: his bountiful, unearned, providential care and giving to us in the exigencies of our daily living.

Were Their Noses Red?

2011-01-12T16:24:00.000-08:00

The circus is in town. I think I'll see it, because I don't have much else for entertainment when I'm in Seine. Anyway, I was outside the cafe downtown when a small Volkswagen hit the curb and then a pole, and came to a halt. No one was injured. I stood nearby watching as a whopping one dozen of circus entertainers exited that Volkswagen. The policeman at the scene asked them, "All right, which one of you clowns was texting while driving?"

I think I'll hire that cop as a writer.

Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifts

2011-01-08T15:21:00.000-08:00

The new year so far is so-so. I've been visited by the group of my old friends from Greece when I used to live there: Newt Monia, Arthur and Ginger Itis, Sy Attica, Sy Kosis, Di Stonia, Kat, Arack, and Hal Otosis. But I now think that with friends like these, I don't need any more enemies.

Down Under (and Over)

2011-01-06T14:36:00.000-08:00

I visited a few churches to interview available personnel for an article. At one church office, the secretary was preparing prayers for the minister for Sunday's service.

"These are called prayers of petition," she explained. "But I'm struck on one of them. It's a request to pray for the victims of that gigantic flood this week in Australia, and I don't know exactly how to phrase it."

"Ah, yes, Northeastern Australia," I said. "Look," I continued, "remember that Australia is in the Southern Hemisphere, which means that the operations of nature are basically upside down or the opposite of ours here in the Northern Hemisphere. So just write something like, 'Heavenly Father, we pray that the major rotation of the Earth will occur very soon, so that the flood water in Australia will go quickly and upward into the air---for the relief of the people there.'"

"Gee, that sound good. Can you repeat that slowly so that I can write it?" she replied.

I did. Yes, she was a bleached blond.

As God Jehovah Is My Witness

2011-01-05T14:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon a group of three Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell.

"Sorry, can't talk," I said as I opened the door, "I'm in the Jehovah's Witnesses Protection Program."

"Like" My Speech?

2011-01-04T17:36:00.000-08:00

The two best movies of 2010 are, I think, "Social Network" and "The King's Speech." "Network" probably appeals more to viewers under age 40 and "Speech" to those over 40. Both films contain constantly literate, engaging dialog; "Network" unfolds rapidly, "Speech" slowly. "Network" might achieve the improbable, namely, leaving the audience sympathetic with the millionaire founders of websites; and "Speech" might achieve its improbable, leaving its audience sympathetic to the British royal family. And seeing both movies, I'm anxious to write a speech and deliver it via Facebook.

Ups and Downs

2011-01-04T15:17:00.000-08:00

Neighbor Emory's buddy, Warren, always was an enterprising businessman. Warren, Emory reports, has begun yet another business, namely, making landmines which look like prayer mats. Warren says business is doing very well: prophets are going through the roof.

Let Us Dance to the New Year

2011-01-04T11:06:00.000-08:00

"And you, liar, teller of tall tales, you trample all the Lord's commandments underfoot. You murder, steal, commit adultery, and afterward break into tears, beat your breast, take down your guitar, and turn the sin into a song. Shrewd devil, you know very well that God pardons singers no matter what they do, because He could simply die for a good song!" --Nikos Kaztantzakis, "The Last Temptation of Christ"

The Root of All Evil

2011-01-03T06:41:00.000-08:00

Strange. This morning I went to my bank to deposit the check for my 2010 beets-and-squash crop harvest (a whopping $285) . "I want to deposit this," I said to the cashier.

"Who cares?" she replied.

"What?" I said, taken aback.

"Who cares?" She then pointed to the sign at her counter, which read, "No-Interest Banking."

Don't Look Up

2011-01-01T16:29:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, many balding men were called Curly. Many fat boys were called Fats or Fatso, then when they became adults, were called Slim. Many other boys and men, most of whom wore short hair in those days such that their scalps were easily visible, were called Lumpy or Bumpy. The reason for the latter group was New Year's Eve. You see, at the stroke of midnight for the new year, it was common in the small-town area in which I lived for people to shoot their firearms into the night air. My father would let loose with a couple of blasts from his shotgun, and my mother would shoot all the rounds of her pistol. Many kids, of course, were outdoors at that time with their fireworks and their own guns, and it was a matter of a few minutes before all those bullets returned at high speed back to earth and to the unprotected heads of people. People then were tougher and more hardheaded and more thickskinned than they are now, so very few were seriously injured or embarassed as they acquired year-long lumps or bumps on their cranium. Indeed, it was a kind of badge of honor to have survived the midnight slaughter.

New Year's Eve and Adam

2011-01-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

It was last night (New Year's Eve) when Jonka said to me, "Remember to set the alarm. We have to go to church in the morning."

"To church? Why?" I asked.

"Don't be stupid; it's New Year's tomorrow," she said.

"Whoa, little woman," I replied, "you're not the licensed theologian here. The Church doesn't celebrate the non-religious calendar event of the change of year. And I ain't going to church."

"You pagan," she shouted, "set the alarm. I'm certainly going, if you're not! It's something . . . it's, it's the Solemnity of Mary tomorrow."

"Yeah, right," I retorted. "Just what we need: another holyday devoted to Mary when two of the annual five already are dedicated to her and a third---Christmas--already properly involves her. Okay, then. While I'm at it, I have to set the clock ahead one hour for the new year."

"Whatever," she muttered as she walked away.

So this morning Jonka arose at the alarm and went to church. Of course, she had to wait an extra hour for the service to begin. I'm sure she was confused. I wonder what she did to kill time. Probably prayed for me.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

2010-12-30T10:24:00.000-08:00

So I invite loopy neighbor Emory to breakfast at Edna's Cafe on main street. As we enter the restaurant, a woman with a dog enters at the same time.

"Whoa!" Emory says to me, "A dog can't come into a restaurant."

"Don't worry," I reply, "it's wearing a sign which says, 'Service Dog.'" Emory grunts and we're quickly met by the waiter who leads us to our table.

Emory proceeds to embarrass me by ordering---ugh---beets and squash loudly enough for the other customers to overhear, as he thinks that he's thereby promoting our farm products. As we're finishing our meal, the knucklehead then turns to the dog which is on the floor at the table next to ours and shouts several times, "Hey, service dog, get me another cup of coffee!"

Joy to the World

2010-12-27T13:12:00.001-08:00

Thanks to my six readers who mailed me a fruitcake or figgy pudding. Five of the items arrived here in Seine in time for Christmas. O blessed am I! Enough to last me until at least the summer! The sender of the one item (a figgy pudding) which was late---and you know who you are---is penalized by having the homework assignment of rereading all my blogs and properly categorizing them.

Ma and Pa Ternity

2010-12-27T07:30:00.001-08:00

I'm eating for two these days. Yep, while Jonka is visiting her relatives in the mysterious ethnic neighborhoods of Cleveland, I'm cooking for both of us and eating both our meals.

Seat of Wisdom

2010-12-27T07:26:00.000-08:00

I was relaxing reading the newspaper in my easy chair after the Christmas hubbub when my young grandson, Huey (yes, the other two are named Dewey and Louie), said to me, "Are you busy, Grandpa?"

"Yes, I am," I replied.

"You don't look so busy," he said.

"Well, I am. I'm obfuscating superfluous malfeasance."

"Wow," he remarked wide-eyed, "you make it look so easy."

A Most Deserving Kind of Guy

2010-12-27T07:25:00.000-08:00

I really, really hope Gary Busey had a merry Christmas.

A Christmas Carol

2010-12-26T08:14:00.000-08:00

When I recently was with the Gulliver's Travels group playing The Tourist in Quebec, I decided to extend my Social Network by hitting a couple of bars at night. At the Burlesque, I met a beautiful Black Swan which, as it turned out, had True Grit. To my surprise, she spoke to me in The King's Speech. When I expressed my disbelief at her ability, she responded with such screeching and scratching, I thought I was trapped in a Tron nightmare. I got the hell out of there faster than you could say "Roger Ebert!"

They Prefer Santa

2010-12-24T16:38:00.000-08:00

After some forty years, this will mark the first Christmas Day that none of my children will be with the little woman and me. I wonder if it's because they're tired of their old man belching and farting at the Christmas dinner table.

What Not To Wear

2010-12-24T16:37:00.000-08:00

I wonder if Mrs. Claus cracks the same joke every Christmas Eve as Santa departs the North Pole: "Don't tell me you're going out again this year dressed like that"?

Feeling Anything Yet?

2010-12-23T15:10:00.000-08:00

I've previously complained how Americans in general and even professional media persons in particular confuse "feel" and "think." "Feel" denotes emotion, whereas "think" denotes thought or idea. So the interviewer asks, "Tell me, Senator, how do you feel about the new tax policy?" And the senator spends two minutes giving an analysis of the political and economic implications of the policy, to the interviewer's satisfaction. But I shout at the tv screen, "No, no, Senator, she asked how you FEEL about it! Simply answer "Angry" or "Joyful" or "Sad"!

As has been said by someone, Christmas is the feeling Christian's holyday, whereas Easter is the thinking Christian's holyday. Christmas is all warm and fuzzy and baby cutsie. So if anyone asks me how or what I feel about Christmas, I'll answer simply "Yes."

Northern Exposure

2010-12-23T14:02:00.001-08:00

The little woman and I just returned from a short vacation to Quebec to see if we could find any of my long-lost cousins. Man, what I did find! I discovered that those French Canadians actually catch, cook, and eat possum, raccoons, frogs, and what they call "craw fish." They make and eat some kind of spicy rice sausage which they term "boo-din," which they often have with a Coke as breakfast too. Their music is dominated by---can you imagine in this day and age: the accordion?---and by the violin, music which features many depressive waltzes. They play this stuff late into the night mostly at houses at which couples bring their young children or grandchildren---at performances they call "fais do-do"---and allow---get this---the children to sleep in the corners while the couples dance. And their English? Whew. I know it's French Canada, but come on, the whole industrialized world speaks English, not this choppy non-European French. And, I think, they frequently perform in private and in public what looks like mini-voodoo rituals.

Quebec! I just hope those French Canadians never move south. As for me, I think I'll remain in Seine.

A Strange Little Dude

2010-12-23T13:56:00.000-08:00

Remember when my neighbor, Emory, recently called the local funeral home to ask "What's playing?" Well, when the mortuary director finally understood Emory and told him whose bodies were on view, Emory became excited. "Come on," said Emory, "Warren is on display. We gotta see him!"

When we arrived at the funeral home, we found Warren's room. His body strangely was half in his coffin and half out, arms dangling down. "What's with this?" I nervously asked Emory.

"Ah, that's Warren," he replied. "He always saw himself as thinking outside the box."

Suffer the Fools

2010-12-14T14:01:00.000-08:00

"Fences make good neighbors"? Well, there's no fence between my farm and that of loony neighbor Emory, so you can imagine what happens. For example, he bought two tickets for the fights in Dover, walked across to my front yard and invited me to accompany him. "Seats are in the nosebleed section," he said, but I didn't care because I love boxing. Turned out the seats were two chairs placed right inside the boxing ring.

Then today I said to him, "I wonder if anyone we know has died lately."

"Let's just call the funeral home and ask," Emory says. So he phones and says, "What's playing today?"

'Tis the Season

2010-12-11T12:30:00.001-08:00

It's said that Santa knows if you've been naughty or nice. So be worried---be very worried.

Wonderful, Wacky World of Sightings

2010-12-11T10:46:00.000-08:00

So the Catholic Church officially has approved the three apparitions of the heavenly Mary to a young immigrant woman in Champion, Wisconsin near Green Bay in the 1800s, the only appearance of Mary in the U.S. That's a surprise---I never had heard of those events at that place. I guess that Mary, after bearing the "majestic" titles of Our Lady of Lourdes, Our Lady of Fatima, etc., won't mind being called Our Lady of Champion. I can just imagine some commercial sponsors having a field day with that with the tourists there.

Rumors a few years ago were that Mary was appearing in a field at Tickfaw, Louisiana near Baton Rouge. But as I said then, I was certain that her apparitions weren't real, because I couldn't imagine her tolerating being called Our Lady of Tickfaw.

As far as I know, the only place in the U.S. where the Church has approved of an apparition by a saint (not Mary) is in the bucolic backwoods of Grand Coteau, also in Louisiana and also in the 1800s. There St. John Berchmann, who was an Englishman (of all things, not a Frenchman to match the Cajun French culture of that region), is said to have appeared to a dying nun. I said "dying," not "flying."

Wasn't That Church Exciting Enough for Ingmar Bergman?

2010-12-09T15:11:00.001-08:00

From "The Onion" another headline: "Lutheran minister arrested for boring young children."

Fruitcake and Moonshine

2010-12-08T14:08:00.000-08:00

Did you know Alabama was the first state to declare Christmas a legal holiday? Go figure. God bless dem rednecks.

Book Him

2010-12-08T14:05:00.000-08:00

Seine is a small town, and its police aren't exactly Sherlock Holmes. So when I reported my car stolen from the mall because I couldn't find it, in turn because I forgot I had parked it on the opposite-side parking lot, the police quickly found it. Unfortunately, however, they charged me with auto theft because, they said, "You're fingerprints are all over it."

Re Quest

2010-12-05T12:40:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again, boys and girls. I again yearn for good fruitcake and figgy pudding. Please mail me some before or just after Christmas to:

Ye Old Gargoyle
200 Old Farms Rd.
Seine, DE 19901

And May the Lord throw all kinds of good blessings on you!

The Eyes Have It

2010-12-05T10:23:00.001-08:00

Neighbor Emory suddenly has his bags packed for travel. "Why the bags?" I asked him.

He replied that he was motivated by reading in an issue of "National Geographic" the old saying, "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed is king."

"So where are you headed?" I persisted.

"I'm not sure," he said, "but I'll keep an eye out, and I'll know once I'm there."

Name of the Game

2010-12-04T11:44:00.001-08:00

The world's richest man, worth about $50 billion, was interviewed this week on the "Larry King Show." He's Carlos Slim of Mexico. He has everything which money can buy except apparently an impressive name. Can't he afford to have it changed to Carlos von Slim or Carlos de Slimoroff or something like that?

A Fractured Mind

2010-12-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

Even though, when I was a young man in Quebec, I was their captive for a few days, the local forest Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even throw large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all but dirty-clothes hampers.

His and Hers

2010-12-03T06:24:00.001-08:00

It seems that more women ran for public offices across the nation in this recent election. It could reach the point in a few years that two women (Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin) will be the top two nominees for U.S. President. Meanwhile, Catholic women still aren't allowed to become simple deacons, let alone priests, in their church.

A Simple Birthday

2010-12-03T06:19:00.000-08:00

Today's my late mother's birthday. I remember when I was 8 or 9 years old. I didn't know much what to give her, so I went to what was called Reese's Five-and-Dime Store downtown. There I bought a packet of bobby pins, a comb, a powder puff, and a small bowl into which to put them. She was happy to receive this gift from me. What she didn't know is that earlier, when she wasn't looking, I had raided her purse for the money to buy it.

Gotta Pay the Rent

2010-11-27T16:50:00.000-08:00

The winter snow has begun. Time to switch part-time jobs from newspaper delivery boy to the more socially prestigious (at least around here) chimneysweep.

Delaware Punchin' Cousins

2010-11-27T09:04:00.000-08:00

I've learned that Delawarites, despite living in a state smaller than many counties in other states, have a strong sense of cultural divide between Northern Delaware and Southern Delaware. The northies (in the Wilmington area near Phily) consider themselves urban and sophisticated, and look down upon the southies (in the Dover area) as rural, almost U.S.-Southern rednecks. This was reflected in yesterday's newspaper obituary for a physician, in which the tongue-in-cheek editor wrote that "Dr. Williams will be buried in Southern Delaware where he was first pronounced day-ed."

Talk Turkey

2010-11-25T08:57:00.001-08:00

I was in my field yesterday when three turkeys went walking by. I swear one of them said to me jokingly, I think, "Hey, dude, what's for dinner?"

"I'd tell you, turkey," I replied, "but then I'd have to kill you."

Easter Egg

2010-11-23T18:03:00.000-08:00

I've had in my lifetime a few of what I call minor "mystical" experiences. The latest of which was today, what I call a wacky one. I was in my easy chair writing a talk when I heard Bam! on my back- door window. "Oh great," I thought to meself, "that group of anti-Frankenstein townspeople is after me again." But when I opened the door, all I saw was a small bird lying on its back near my doorstep. Its eyes were half-closed, its heart was beating rapidly, but it otherwise didn't move.

Not wanting to have a wildbird possibly bite me, I grabbed it by wrapping it in three feet of white paper towel. And knowing it soon would die, I put it onto its back, still wrapped, and on the grass. Then I placed a few pieces of sod and two clothespins onto the edges of the towel to keep it down. Just the bird's head peeked out of the wrapping.

I returned to my chair and continued my reading and writing. Twenty minutes later, I reached the place in my reading of John's gospel at which Peter and John reach Jesus' tomb on Easter morning, enter it, find it empty, and handle the neatly folded linen cloth which had covered Jesus. At that point, I had the notion to take a break, go see the bird, and prepare to bury it.

To my surprise, what I found was the long white paper towel completely unfolded in the grass, the two clothespins lying perfectly parallel to each other at the head of the towel, and the bird gone.
"Well, well," I said, "the resurrection I just read a minute ago in the gospel, with the 'linen cloth' neatly unfolded instead of folded."

The moral of the experience struck me: Either believe in the Resurrection of Jesus or don't underestimate the strength of a merely-stunned bird.

Biblical Wisdom

2010-11-19T17:17:00.000-08:00

I'm back from the Dover airport where I made some $300 in only one hour. I had a batch of small banners printed, then took them to near the beginning of the line for the new-style passenger-security check-in. The banners sold like hotcakes; each one carried the Old Testament dictum, "Gird your loins!"