Cow Town

I think I know why Gary Busey acts the way he does on tv's "Celebrity Apprentice." Like me, he apparently has mad-cow disease. It's just a matter of time, I think, before we see him in the middle of Times Square bellowing loudly and trying to graze on grass---as I did once.

Dim Romance

Neighbor Emory's relatives are as loony as he. When his niece visited him, he and I asked her, "We haven't seen this new boyfriend of yours whom you've been dating for six months. When do we get to see him? How did you two meet?"

She simply replied, "We met on ghostharmony.com."

100 minus 50 = 0

I decided to try to help my granddaughter who's learning her higher numbers. "If I want you to break this $100 bill," I said as I handed it to her, "what you would give me back?"

She promptly tore the bill in half and gave the half to me answering, "Fifty dollars?"

Flower Girl

The little woman is off with a few friends to the big spring-flowers show downtown. She lives and breaths flowers and gardens. My funeral will say, "In lieu of flowers, please give a donation to charity," whereas Jonka's will say, "In lieu of a donation to charity, please give flowers."

Money Talks

Johnny Cash, Ray Charles, Dom DeLuise, Marilyn Monroe, Bill Clinton, Lash LaRue, James Brown, Frank Sinatra, Mike Tyson, Ho Chi Minh, Bobby Sox, Phil Donahue, Hubert Humphrey, Jean-Paul Sartre, Al Pacino, Bob Seger, Chuck Roast, Jeffrey Dalmer, Lady Gaga---these are some of the names with which I've signed my credit-card purchases at various stores and restaurants. Not a single clerk or waitress had the least concern about my signature nor for financial rules, not unlike the Wall Street traders who have no concern for financial regulations of their own actions. God help our economy and our money.

Wiseass

"I have to write a report for school about the wisest person I know," my granddaughter said to me.

"Well," I said, "I don't like to brag, but I'm sort of known for my wiseness. In fact, it's been said that my wiseness is second to none."

"Isn't it called wisdom, not wiseness?" she countered.

I replied, "That's a common misconception of people who have a lesser degree of wisehoodness."

She walked away.

Randy, Gary, Charlie, Etc.

Actor Randy Quaid, still in legal trouble, is still publicly promoting awareness of the "Hollywood Star Whackers," a group of thugs, he claims, which has murdered at least one Hollywood celebrity and seeks to terminate others, causing him to be constantly on the move. I certainly hope Randy succeeds actor Gary Busey on the next tv season of "Celebrity Apprentice."

Pie Are Round

The recent St. Patrick Day reminds me that the roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I'm Toast

The little woman is sardonic. She knows how much it irks me to hear when I'm on a business call, "Please continue to hold. Your call is important to us." So without me realizing what she did, she bought a new toaster for our kitchen. When I put slices of bread into it, then began banging it because it was taking too long, the recorded voice from the toaster began saying to me, "Please continue to hold. Your toast is important to us."

Finnish First

At a time when American students are still falling behind the academic achievement of students in other countries, school districts in all fifty states are in financial crisis. Even Finland is overtaking other nations in student achievement. Finland's education minister, Bjrrk Lkrkpffjpp, predicts that in five years Finnish students will top everyone else. When that happens, I surely hope that Finland doesn't raid our American English alphabet and steal its vowels.

A Mooving Experience

Now I have two new worries. I don't know what to wear to the royal wedding in April. And with the advent of spring brings a reactivation of my mad-cow disease. Jonka suggests that I wear a leather suit to London. Maybe so. I just hope that during the exchange of vows in Westminster Cathedral I don't suddenly burst out mooing.